A reason for living

Cancer and Parties

April 11th, Wednesday

When I wake up, bathing in sweat, it's 3:42am. It's really uncomfortable and I really just want to take off my shirt and sleep somewhere in a fridge. My breath isn't relaxing, my heart is racing and it pounds so loud, that my chest flies up and down the whole time. It hurts, everything hurts at the moment.
My bones, my stomach, my head, my arms, my legs.. While my head and body is hot, my feet and hands are freezing cold. Such a gross feeling- if I push my blanket away, I'm freezing, but when I pull it back on my body, I'm sweating even more. These kind of nights happen often, making me unable to sleep. It's the time where I have the chance to think about a lot of things. Mostly, I'm imagining what life would be without my leukemia. It'd be so wonderful.

I would live in a big house in five years after finishing my studies, working in an architectural office, or even have an own. Maybe I'd even have friends, who I can visit, even though that's not what I need. Why should I need friends, if I have a full time job, where I don't have time anyways. But right now- maybe I need...

No, I don't need friends. Everyone I met is a total retard, unable to have an intellectual conversation. Everyone's so stupid. But maybe it's not them- maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one who's stupid, who can't have intellectual conversations, who can't have conversations at all, because I don't know what to say and I'm unable to ask things, because I have never been interested in anything of a person's private life. Why is it so hard for me to find someone, who's on the same social level as I am? Someone who doesn't need to talk a lot, but can sit around and- just be there. Just be present, so I know I'm not alone.

Aizawa is right. I realize it now. I really need someone. Someone who takes care of me. And as much as I want to deny it, I need this person. I don't have anyone right now and these feelings of sadness, which take over me sometimes, are the ones that are called ‚loneliness'. I feel lonely, I admit it. But my personality is a curse. I'm scaring away anyone who comes close to me, just because I get annoyed so easily and I like to tease people by joking about my disease.

Reminds me of all the patients I had to share a room with. Seven months ago, it was a 22 years old woman, who had breast cancer. She used to talk to me all the time, I wouldn't reply. She used to fall asleep crying, I wouldn't help. It wasn't my problem to begin with, but maybe she'd still be alive if I had talked to her more. Made her feel more comfortable in my presence. I was laughing when some crazy therapist told her she could die from lack of social interaction. Maybe the therapist was right- maybe she died, because of my ignorance. But why am I alive then? If that's true, about the social interaction, why am I still alive? Why am I not suffering as much as she did?

Because I'm not used to interaction? Because I'm used to being alone and I can handle it pretty well? Because I don't need anyone? Because I think it's best for people not to be around me, since I'm a wreck? People called me selfish, because I don't care about others. But maybe I'm just so selfless and care so much about people, that I'd rather want to be alone instead of torturing them with my presence and personality. I am an asshole when I talk. But I'd like to think I'm quite nice when I think. Just for myself. It's good if only I know about me, then it doesn't matter what others say.

I just hope Kirishima doesn't think wrong of me. For some reason, I for once don't want to be an asshole to him- and maybe show him my ‚good' side, which I have! Somewhere- maybe.
Showing him that I can be good, just to thank him for what he's doing. But I could never compete with him. He's the complete opposite of me. He barely has any flaws and he even fucking gives up his body for some kid he once knew in middle school. Such bullshit.

He's really annoying. But he's so kind. But it's just stupid happiness, I hate that. But he smiles so honest. But it's so cheesy that I could throw up by thinking of it. But he also makes me feel less lonely, even though we spent about three hours together during the last week. God, what am I even thinking?
Each day, hoping he'd return, just so he could ask me stupid questions and bring me orange juice. It's so stupid, it doesn't make sense and it doesn't help me get anywhere...But it feels so good to have him around, even for such a small amount of time.
Is it bad, that I wish the bone marrow aspiration and harvest date would come up faster, just so I'd have someone to talk to for the next couple days? My feelings are so mixed up. I don't even know where my thoughts are headed. As if I have two sides, where one side is completely astonished by him and the other finds him annoying and keeps wanting to be alone.