A reason for living

Further steps

„So- I guess we'll see each other during the surgery, right?" Kirishima asks nicely, looking out of the window in his car, after letting me out in front of my apartment. It's 10pm, we've been laying on the bench for 45 minutes, then walked to the car together and drove home. We didn't talk a lot, but it didn't feel weird at all. Both of us had to smile constantly and it was all in all an amazing feeling.

„Sure." I say with my hands in my jacket pockets, looking to the ground. „But- it's in six days." Kirishima giggles slightly.

„It sure is. I wonder what'll happen until then." I look back up and see him smirking weirdly, like he's planning something. Knitting my eyebrows, I bite on my bottom lip and step towards his car.

„What's that supposed to mean, shitty hair?" I hiss at him in a grumpy tone while he blushes and leans a little into his seat, putting his hands away from the wheel.

„Whoa, chill. You're still very intimidating, you know..." He pants out, smiling nervously. „I don't mean anything. Just- I don't know, rest a little. You look tired." I let out a ‚tch' sound and step back again, looking away angrily.

„Don't tell me what to do, mom." Now he giggles again.

„See you, Bakugou. And you know you can call me if anything happens." He waves at me shortly. I don't reply, but look away still, until he closes his window, turns on the engines and drives away.

„Yeah. Thank you." I whisper without him hearing of course.

Slowly, I walk up the stairs to the first floor and open my apartment door.

„How was your date?" Misses Akame, my neighbor, suddenly opens her door across mine and looks out with the softest smile on her, holding her little cat in the arm. I turn around to her, surprised with eyebrows knitted. But I'm really in a good mood and I really don't want to pretend to be mean, especially to her.

„It was amazing. Thank you." The way I said that. Not even lying, no pretending at all. My voice coming through as soft as possible with a good intention. Misses Akame smiles at me even more.

„You deserve the happiness, Katsuki. Good night." She closes her door quietly and I look down on the ground, smiling.

I take off my clothes and my beanie, put them in the closet and walk to the restroom with my bumbag. There, I open it and pull out all the different pills I had with me- and my nasal cannula, which I fortunately didn't need to use.

I close the mirror cupboard, after putting the pills back and look at myself. It's quiet, nothing at all. No sound coming from anywhere. Am I- alone again? The quietness I have with myself is something completely different than the one Kirishima and I had. A different type of quiet. A lonely quiet.

My lungs feel narrow, I breathe faster, looking in the mirror. My throat fills with a heavy itchy feeling, as if I need to let out something. My lids feel heavy, too, my jaw drops and with reflex, my hand moves towards my throat, grabbing it.

Why does it hurt now all of a sudden? My eyes feel wet. Suddenly, I pant, clenching my teeth, looking down into the sink. Tears drop inside. Why? I'm home since a few minutes, alone since a few minutes- and directly, I'm crying? What kind of nonsense is this? Why is my mind reacting this way and why does my body have to make it even harder? I put both hands on the corner of the sink and hold myself up, gasping heavily.

„I don't want to be alone..." I whisper with a painful undertone. „It hurts so much- not having you around me. Why did this day have to end? Why.."

The way I'm pitying myself is so humiliating. How can I call myself a man, when I'm not able to be alone for a night!? I've been doing it this whole time!? Why is it such a problem now? I start punching my chest slowly, while crying.