A reason for living

Lights on you

After hanging up, I turn around to lay on my back and stare at the wall, until a slight grin covers my face. This grin slowly turns into a smile, which gets bigger and bigger, until my cheeks hurt from stretching out my mouth like that. But it's what I feel.

Complete and utter happiness. The feeling in my chest gets so intense that I throw my phone away and start punching the bed on both sides, kicking my feet up and down, letting out weird noises, while my eyes are shut and my teeth clenched.

„This! Happened!" I shout to myself with radiance all over my face, breathing heavily. „I have a friend." Without noticing, tears roll down my eyes, down my temples towards my ears and my voice cracks.

I start whining, for about 10 minutes, I lay in my bed, crying, because I'm so happy. After such a long time, after two years of complete loneliness- never forgetting that I wasn't really social during my school time either- I am finally happy to have someone by my side, as a friend. God, thank you Kirishima for existing. He isn't my donor anymore, he's really become my friend.

Getting ready is something that makes me suffer every single time. My body doesn't fit in all my clothes and they look so sloppy, as if a five year old put on the clothes of his grandpa. Today, I decide on a bright orange hoodie, maybe combining it with my jeans jacket with this light blue tone and my black beanie again. With that, some black cargo pants, which are lose on the hips and tight on the ankles, combining those with my black sneakers. I look in the mirror.

„Fuck." Being self conscious was never my weakness. I was comfortable with my looks and the way I dress. My clothing style is still up top, but- my body. Maybe it just looks gross to me, because I see myself in the mirror after showering, I touch my skin while cleaning myself. And it's just- feeling the different bones and no fat at all- is way worse than having chubby cheeks or wide thighs, a floppy belly. It's so much worse, but still I see skinny hoes running around screaming ‚I need to lose weight'. It bothers me that people try to idealize their bodies by becoming skinnier, while all I'm tryna do is eat more and have my old body back.

I wipe through my eyes and sniff quickly, getting my thoughts together again. It's late, Kirishima should arrive soon. But he doesn't text. It's 2:15 and he doesn't text, doesn't call. I'm beginning to worry. Each minute, I stare at my phone three times, waiting for him to call or text me, but it doesn't happen.

Where is he? What's going on? If something had been interfering, he would've told me. What if he's... what if something happened?

Suddenly I hear horns beeping outside. Quickly, I jump up my bed and run to my window, putting my hands on the glass and looking outside, just to stare at the dark red Jeep and Kirishima leaning against it with his foot against the door, waving softly, with his half smirk and his hair styled down. He wears a white color block baseball tee, with grey sleeves and a grey neckline. It sits tightly around his chest and gets more lose on his stomach. His arms look like they're about to explode. Around his left arm, which he rests against his hip, he holds a big black vintage rain jacket with some detail. Blue jeans and his grey Timberlands.

Looking at him, changing his style from the first time meeting him to now, this is a complete level up. These clothes look incredibly good on him. I smile down, but hide it directly, when he starts showing me his sharp teeth, waving harder. He shouldn't catch so much attention. Everyone in my apartment building knows about my leukemia, since there were many incidents, where I was found in front of my apartment, or collapsing on the stairs. Sometimes my neighbors even knock on my door to check on me, if I don't stomp around, making some noise that I'm still alive. They will all know about Kirishima and me, which is actually no problem, but I'd rather have my privacy and not have stupid old people asking me when we're gonna get married.