A reason for living

White Ferrari

October 23rd, Tuesday

The day felt longer than expected, because Kirishima didn't return. He left me and didn't come back. But this time, I'm the one who hurt him and there's no reason for me to be all crybaby about it. It was my decision. Sadness will haunt him for the next couple days, but then he'll be back on track, living his best life in college, maybe find work during his next vacation, maybe find new friends, a new- boyfriend. And I'll just stick to the hospital for now. Sounds horrible, but I'm fine. I'm actually great. Preparing for death isn't as hard as I thought.

It's 11:38pm while I'm laying in my sickbed, staring against the ceiling and analyzing the small patterns of the light and how it's structured. Why not? It's not like there's anything better to do anyways.

Bzz

Very slowly, with narrowed eyes and a pointy mouth, I move my head away from the ceiling to my night desk, where my phone lays. Kaminari has been texting me the last month, since the day I cried into his apron at work, after Kirishima declined our meet up. Since then, he had been inviting me via chat and calls. I still declined, but we met up as friends and alone, without any other people. Kirishima never had a problem with it, he even wanted me to meet up with him, that's how desperate for friends he thought I was. So that's probably him texting me again. Annoyed, I move my hand over to the desk and pick it up. And of course, the thought in the back of my head was right. Trying so hard to convince myself of something else, it ends up being the thing I actually think is true.

Kirishima texts me. But his text is weird. It's... just a couple words.

„White Ferrari - Frank Ocean."

He really sends me a fucking song name in the evening, trying to be all Tumblr. I put my phone on my bed, turn it off and look back to the ceiling, frowning. Stupid Kirishima with his stupid songs. Though he has a really good taste in music. Often, it's cheesy pop songs or dance pop. But sometimes, it's rap and trap, then sometimes it's alternative and sometimes fucking jazz or R&B. He doesn't have a specific taste in music, he just- listens to what his emotion suits best. And that leaves me wondering what he feels right now. Frank Ocean is a Contemporary R&B artist. He has chill songs, as much as I know. But it always depends. Fuck, now I can't get the curiosity out of my head. What is this song? Have we listened to it yet? We didn't, did we? He probably wants me to listen to the lyrics. Or maybe just the way the song goes. But what is this about anyways? Whatever the song's message is, he could simply text it to me. Fuck this shit, I have to know.

I play the song and listen carefully. I can't imagine... how this song... affects me-us.

„Bad luck to talk on these rides

Mind on the road

Your dilated eyes watch the clouds float

White Ferrari

Had a good time...

I care for you still and I will forever

That was my part of the deal, honest

We got so familiar

Spending each day of the year, White Ferrari

Good times

In this life, life...

One too many years

So taste what I lived on a facelift

Mind over matter is magic

I do magic

If you think about it it's over in no time the best life