A reason for living

Leaves in September

September 3rd, Monday 

Four months pass after my remission. I still had some problems with my tiredness and pain in the bones, but that's all there was to it. Not once, I had a nose bleed, or the need to throw up blood.

Every two weeks, Kirishima donated me his blood and I took the pills the way I needed to. I started working out on my own, as much as I was allowed to, I ate healthy, but way more. I gained weight, I gained hair, I gained color in my face. Everything was going well. Better than I ever expected. I was working full time, practicing my drawing at home and the most important thing- I met up with Kirishima at least twice a week, since he had to get back to his college.

The time without him is still painful and sometimes I still have anxiety attacks. But almost each time that happens, I get a call from him and he calms me, makes me fall asleep peacefully. But after the first two months, the period came, when he stopped having time for me. He started making more and more friends in his semester and when I asked him to meet up, he told me he already had plans, but I was always invited to come along. No. I never wanted to. I don't know these people, I never intended to find out who they are, so why should I meet up with them, when I only want to see him?

Also, Kirishima's exams were coming up, making it even worse for me to see him at least once in two weeks. The nights got lonelier. Even though I didn't have the pain I had during my relapse, the aching in my heart never faded away. Tears weren't able to be held back, sometimes even during the day. During work, it's sometimes hard to not drown in self pity. Kaminari knows something's up, he always knows, but it's so annoying and I don't plan on telling him anything.

What I know is that Kirishima will have another vacation in a week. Until then, I have to tell him. Tell him, what I really feel. The way I live right now is painful. Maybe not in a physical way, but my head and my heart are always so heavy. Without him, I'm a complete wreck, though I know the probability of him feeling the same way is so low that I should be ready to give up all hope. But I don't want to.

„You got time for me? Or still assignments and other friends.." I text him, then put my phone on the couch and lean back, sighing. It beeps directly.

„Hey bro! I'm so glad you texted me! And sure, my last exam is in two days, then I'm freeee! Is it okay if we meet up afterwards? I really miss you :(." Even this small text makes my heart beat louder than a hammer. He misses me- but, he always says stuff like that.

„Fine, whatever." I throw my phone away, not expecting anything else and lean back again, facing my ceiling while crossing my arms. But three minutes later, my phone beeps again.

„We need to talk anyway.." Talk anyway!? About what? Wait- maybe he knows!? Or- I did something wrong. That can't be though, I don't do anything at all so how am I supposed to do something wrong when I don't do anything, doesn't make sense. Maybe he did something wrong... I need to know.

„Can't you tell me now?"

„I gotta shit ton of work to do. And, I really want to tell you personally."

„Great job at not making me curious, shitty hair."

„Haha! Don't worry! C U :)"

Even his writing is cute and I hate emojis and smileys. But I have to wait. Wait- until I know what'll happen.

September 7th, Friday

He didn't text me the whole day. I'm at work, glad to have something to ease my mind with when my phone suddenly beeps. It scares the shit out of me and I accidentally drop a jug. Fortunately, it's empty.