High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 14

5th October 2009

When I reached the school he was there in the parking lot standing in the place where I used to park my vehicle. He was there with his arms crossed across his chest. It was my favourite pose of him.

“Hi Beam,” he said, when I looked at him.

“I brought something for you Forth,” I said and gave him the windchimes that I had brought for him.

“I too brought something for you,” he said and placed a small gift wrapped box in my palm. What will be there in it?

He left before I could say anything. I stood there staring at the gift he gave. It was wrapped in shiny red gift paper. What will be there in it, I wondered. Does it really matter? Nay!! He gave it, I will accept whatever was packed into that little box. Is this the time? Can I say that I am in love with him? I just pulled the strings of the yellow ribbon. My heart beat fast while I was unpacking it. Before I could unwrap it fully Rome came to me like a devil. I just slipped the gift that he gave me quickly into my bag.

I don’t want others to know about it. I just wanted to treasure it within myself. I don’t want others to know what was going between us. What is going in between us, I wondered. I knew my feelings towards him but what about him? How did he think about me? I don’t know. I cannot judge him.

Whenever I felt that he took a step towards me, he just disappeared for the next two or three days making me wonder. He really does a very good job of it. He constantly confused about his intentions but I did not mind... I don’t mind it. As long as he was there to confuse me I would be happy to get myself confused.

How does he see me? Does he see me as a friend or does he see me as a close friend as he said or does he see me more than that? He doesn’t give me the slightest clue.

I know he cares for me. He cared for other members in the club the same way too. Or does the care he shows towards me much more than the care that he showed towards others? He always helped the people in the club - that made him an excellent leader. He never allowed anyone to feel low about them. He helps them to come out of it and face their problems. This makes him a good person but how does he see me?

He was not a guy who would show preference to the person whom he loved. I too did not show him any sign or say anything to him. I did not want to ruin our relationship. May be he does not see me as how I wanted him to see me but I was sure that he saw me as his friend who was there for him when he fought with his other friend and he was left alone. That was enough for me.

He hates to be alone. He likes to be surrounded by people. I didn’t do anything for him compared to what he did for me. I just comforted him when he needed. It did not have to make him fall in love with me, whereas I can list lot of things that made me fall for him. I would have fallen for him even if he had not done anything but the things that he did for me made me feel that I did not deserve him.

I can share my feelings with him. I can say that I am in love with him. Expressing my love towards him does not scare me. I was ready to accept his rejection too but I can’t take it if he stops talking to me. Being there without talking to him will kill me. I can’t even bear thinking about it.

He has expressed his views about love. According to him the love that comes at this young age is nothing but infatuation. True love can never come in this age. He says we can’t be sure of what we like or want at this age. So how can be sure about love. How can I say that I am in love with him? He believes that love is nothing but the attraction that is felt towards each other. What he says is true. At this age we can’t even be sure of what we want. This thought made me laugh. I can prove it wrong as much as he thinks his view is right. I know my feelings toward him and I am sure of it and I know it’s not what he thinks.