High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 30

27th January 2010

I Lay on my bed gazing at the ceiling, thinking of the person whom I could see everywhere. Love was something which I thought I would never get in my life but now, I understood what love was. It was because of him, Forth.

I can’t say that I have never experienced what love is. I have, but that love is due to some bond. The love which I am experiencing now, I have never experienced before. It is different, it starts from heart and it just expands. I just want to stay with him and experience it.

I didn’t want him to express his love by words but by his glances. I never wanted to hold anyone in my life particularly. People come and go in life and I have never felt so strongly. Their roles in my life have always been chapters but when it came to him I didn’t want him to be a chapter. I wanted him in each and every page. I want him to be the entire book.

When I was with him I always had a fear, fear of losing him. I wanted to hold on to him. I had a strange feeling that he was moving away from me. I knew that it was not true. I knew he was busy due to exams but I could not accept it. My mind knew the truth but my heart failed to recognise the truth. He spoke with me after every exam got over. He used to recount all everything that had happened but something kept on bugging me and I didn’t know what it was.

May be it was because I had not seen him. May be I would feel better if I saw him but how could I see him? I didn’t know where his house was. I was also not ready to call him to some other place. I don’t want to disturb him. So I decided to search for his house. I remember that he said that his house was painted in green. His house was just a few streets away from mine. I thought I would give it to try.
I took my scooter and drove it slowly around the area. I looked for some symbol indicating that he was busy in that area. Was I doing the right thing?

I roamed about that place for nearly an hour searching for him. I knew he would be busy studying but why couldn’t I wait until the exam got over. Why was I curious? Why couldn’t I take it if I didn’t see him? Why did tears always gather in my eyes if I couldn’t see him? I parked my scooter under a tree to control my emotions. I convinced myself that I didn’t see him because it was my fate.

The sun warmed my surroundings and made my body warm but not my heart. I felt cold because of the separation. At first he never talked with me and he was distanced from me yet I felt that he was close to me. I was able to feel some kind of connection then. Now he spoke with me every day but still I felt that he was far away from me. I felt that the connection between us was tenuous.

I felt that he was somewhere near me. I blinked away the tears that formed in my eyes. I had an urge to turn. I felt that someone was staring at me. It was not someone, it was my Forth. Was it really my Forth or was it an illusion .When he stared at me I had a strange feeling even though he did it without his knowledge.

I did not know why I felt strange when he looked at me. May be it was because I liked him a lot or was it because I was aware of him or was it because there really was a connection between us. I just shook my head to move away from my thoughts.

I saw him standing opposite the place where my scooter had been parked. I giggled and thought that I would never come out of my illusion. Why do I always feel that he was present even though he was not?

“Beam ,” I heard a voice calling me.

Did this voice belong to Forth? Was it him who was really calling? I just turned my head to see to whom the voice belonged. It was Forth. I saw him standing in front of the gate. My heartbeat rose. The happiness that filled my heart was reflected in my face.

“Forth,” I said still not able to believe my eyes.

“What are you doing?” he asked me.

Should I tell the truth? I asked myself