High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 35

15th February 2010

“Beam ,” he said

“Hmm” was all I could say. I was afraid if spoke to him that I would start to cry.

“I want to hear your voice, Beam , I miss you,” he said.

“I have to study Forth. I will call you later,” I said to him and hung up before he could reply. I did not call him back or text him. I dare not to.

15th April 2010

I was not strong enough to ignore him. Every time I was cold with him. Every time I hurt him the only thing I said to myself was that I loved him and was sorry for everything. I thought of confessing to him many times but I was not sure what his reply would be. I was very confused.

I had no idea what he would say. I did not know what he thought of me. Would he say that he was in love with her or would he say that he did not love me? What was the answer going to be...? How could I take it if he ignored me or stop talking to me. I wouldn't be able to bear it.

My thoughts were muddled. I had no idea of what I was doing or what I should do. I was overwhelmed by emotions to do the right thing. I was immature. Every time I spoke with him, I was overcome with anger as I couldn’t stand being treated like an option. My tone was cold when I spoke with him and I hurt him worse. I regretted punishing him. I didn’t want to be in the place where every little thing reminded me of him. I wanted to run away or go far away. I took my scooter and ran away from my home. I wandered aimlessly for more than an hour. I did not know what I was doing. I was staring blankly with only thoughts about Forth endlessly running through my mind.

I stood below a tree like a statue. Then I saw him. I saw the very person from whom I intended to run away. He stood on the other side of the road. He was looking at me. But I did not want to see him. One moment was enough to break down. I would cry. I did not want him to think of me as a weak girl. I already had no idea what he thought of me. I didn’t want to worsen my image by crying in front of him. I ran away.

I was in my room hugging the pillow tight to my heart. My heart was empty and drained. I didn’t know what I was doing. The tears that gathered in my eyes blinded me. Forth was all I could think of. I was going crazy thinking about
him. My phone rang. It was him. “Beam ,” he said the moment I clicked the green button.

“Beam , are you all right?” he asked me.

How could I tell him that I was not all right and he was the reason for that? “Why do you care, Forth,” I asked him, hoping that he would say something that would lighten my heart, like he had the right to care for me or worry about me .That he could not stop worrying. But I knew I would never get the answer I wanted.

“Can’t you just answer my question instead questioning me again?” he said.

"No I am not alright. Are you happy to hear the answer? I am not alright. I don’t know whether you would understand my feelings. What do know about me Forth? You know nothing, then why do you want to know about me now?  You were not ready to know about me or my feeling when you were talking about her. I will answer the question that you asked me then. You asked whether I love you right? I will answer you now. I love you Forth. I love you a lot. I started to love you from the moment I saw you. At first I thought it is nothing but a crush and it would go if I talk to you but I was wrong about it instead I got addicted to you. I got addicted to you like some kind of drug. I really enjoyed it every time you teased me. I used to smile after you the left place. According to you, love is nothing but just a crush That’s the reason I didn’t tell you in the beginning. I thought you would stop talking to me if you had come to know about it. I was afraid. I can live if you don’t accept my love. I was strong enough to accept your rejection but I cannot take it if you stop talking with me. I know you will not accept my love even though you love me because you have told me yourself. I did not feel the pain until you stopped talking to me. It is like burning hell. I love you Forth. I know you don’t like me now. I know you don’t even want to talk to me but I want you in my life Forth not as your life partner but at least as your friend. I don’t know what made me crazy about you. When you talked about Nam I got jealous. I thought you loved her and I thought you considered me as a choice I am really sorry for that Forth. That’s the reason I ignored you. I thought moving away from you would help you make the correct choice. That’s the reason I yelled at you every time you called. I thought if I stop talking with you I will move on in my life but I was wrong I thought I should never think about you but the more I tried to forget you the more I remembered you. The memories are fresh in my mind. You said to me that I was handsome and you were not able to take your eyes away from me. I was so happy then I have never been so happy in my life. When you said that you wanted to hear my voice in your mobile, when you said that you wanted my photo so that you could look at me whenever you wanted to, when you said that I was like an angel to you, when you sent the word ‘love’ in an simple text message, when you said that you miss me, when you said that you will wait for my text, when you said that I am the most important person in your life. I never cry in class Forth but now I cry every time I look at your class. I don’t know why I talked about you to my friends all the time. I cannot control myself Forth. I cannot control myself when it comes to you. I always used to search for you in the crowd. Whenever my phone rang I thought of about you I wanted to be with you. When you were with me I had no friend other than you but I was happy but now I have friends but no one can replace you Forth. You are the first person who made me so crazy, Forth and you will be the last too. I love you a lot Forth. I am really sorry for everything. I love you Forth I love you a lot but I can never be anyone's choice. If I had hurt you I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. I won't disturb you again.” I said and broke into tears.
"I love you Beam. Not now I have always loved you. It was you who were ready to let me go. It's you who was ready to let me go even without a fight. When I said that I love Nam it was you who had my heart. I wanted you to fight with me. I wanted you to say that you like me. You love me. You were never a second choice to me. It was you who ignored me. Did I not beg you to talk with me. Did not I say that I miss you so much. Did not I begged you to talk with me a little more time. You showed your cold shoulders. You were not ready to listen.  I was in love with you all the time. I loved you I love you and I will always do that. Yes  I was confused about my feeling but I was not ready to let you go. I accept that I am coward. I had no courage to say that I love you. But I am saying it to you now I love you. I love only you. I am sorry I really am but I love. Now you can do what you want to do if you dn't want me to stay with you I will leave. You don't have to take the pain. I have already caused you enough"

"Don't you dare leave me" I yelled before he changes his mind.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

I don't know how many had heard this quote

"LOVE IS NOTHING BUT A WORD UNTIL SOMEONE COMES AND GIVES MEANING TO IT”

Yes it was a mere word to me until I met him and yes he is my love. He is my Forth.

A/N sorry for the crappy ending but I hope you like it...