High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 5

29th June 2009

My alarm shrieked at four in the morning. I forced myself to wake up I had loads of works to do. I felt sorry for wasting my time yesterday without doing the work I was supposed to have finished. Doing nothing, I had wasted the whole evening thinking of him.

It was going to be a busy day as well as a bad day and also I did not know what shock awaited me today. I was forced to cross his corridor today. I usually avoided any job that took me through his corridor but I don’t know why I accepted it now. I accepted it may be because I liked to look into his classroom when I passed through or maybe I liked to look at him from a distance. Those thoughts made me feel chill.

I was late for the school but anyway I completed all the work. It was the last day for getting signatures for records and observations. I had to sacrifice the interval time. I hated the idea of going behind every staff member and begging for signatures. Whenever I went to get a signature they just sent me back pointing out some mistake and it is also one of the reasons I never go to that block. They repeatedly send me back and make me suspend my work.

I was leaning on the wall, to stand stiff and without support was impossible for me, so I was moving back and forth banging the wall each time I moved backwards.

I heard his voice; my eyes searched for him and finally spotted him. He was standing ten feet way away from me. He was with his friends probably waiting. He has no idea that I was aware of him so much. I was able to hear him.

“Why is he always alone?” his friend asked him looking in my direction.

I was able to see everything but I acted as if I had not noticed anything. I looked straight hugging my note book close to my heart.

“he is just a showoff no wonder he has no friend. If you talk with him he doesn’t even respond dude. he is such a snob. he thinks he knows everything.”

Forth said those words. Those words were like stabbing a knife straight into my heart. I fought back the tears that gathered in my eyes. I don’t want him to think that I am weak. How could he expect me to think well about him after what he has said about me? I used to always hide my feelings of inferiority under my silence. What can I do if others think that I am snob and a show off? I have nothing special to attract a talented handsome guy like him.

It was clear to me that he disliked me. The thought of him hating me hurt me more than his words. Tears ran down my cheeks. I don’t want him to see it. I walked away from there as fast as I could without looking up.

I would never talk to him again. He means nothing to me. Why should I care about the person who cares nothing for me? I deserve someone better than him, someone who cares for me not the one who speaks ill of me. I will never care about him. He is nothing but my leader and I have no feelings towards him. I said those words again and again to make it register in my mind.

It became worse. The hatred that I had against my school came back again and more because I had club today. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to bunk the club, bunk the school. Why should I go? The thought of seeing him hurt me.

Nay, why should I stop going to school because of him? He has nothing to do with my life. I will go to school. He means nothing to me. What if he hates me? I am not going to school to impress him. I am just going to school to learn. If he hates me, it doesn’t mean the whole school hates me. I like school and I will go to see my friends. I kept repeating this to myself...

No matter how hard I convinced myself, deep inside in my heart I knew I want to see him. Then reality hit me. I was foolish. He hates me. But I argued with myself. What if he hates me, I like him and my love towards him is much more than his hatred. Then again, I thought to myself that I deserve some one better than…. It was hard for me push the word ‘Him’ out of my system.

Forth, he is the person who made me feel that I lived an in better place than earth. He was the person who made me blush, who made me realize that I too could be aware of a guy even when he was miles away, he was the person who made me shiver just by his look, who made me feel and realize that I was a guy longing for love. He made my world ‘better’.

I wanted him, him alone... Not someone who was better than him, not someone who could take care of me like prince. Not someone whom I deserve. I didn’t want anyone but Forth.

What if he hated me? I didn’t want him to like me. I didn’t want him to notice me. I didn’t want him to take care of me. I didn’t want him to treat me like I was the only guy in the world. I didn’t want him to look at me like I was the god of beauty. Just looking at him from a distance gave me happiness. That was enough for me.

I spent the whole day feeling confused, looking at his classroom with sadness and pain. But even in that pain I was able to feel joy and it was simply because I was able to see the room in which he was.

As the time passed, my heart started to race. It began to beat fast. I was starting to feel restless. I did not know what I had to do. How I had to react or behave towards him. I wanted to talk to him but did not know how... I was confused. It was much worse than writing a math test and filling the paper without knowing anything.

The bell rang. I felt a strong sensation coursing through my whole body. I could not avoid going as I had do the solo this week. But I just couldn’t go. His words struck me sharply again and again. I couldn’t find the strength to move my legs. Tears came springing to my eyes. I ran away. I ran as fast as I could. I reached home and slipped into my room and locked the door.

I couldn’t fight it anymore. I couldn’t control my tears. I cried and cried until my tears drained, until my eyelids were heavy, until my eyes burned. I couldn’t open my eyes anymore. I fell asleep.