High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 17

12th October 2009

The day was warm, and bright and colourful. I could feel the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. The classes were dull and dragged on. Every minute seemed like an entire day to me.

I tried to ask him but I could not. He seemed to be everywhere. He came by my class. He was walking down my corridor. He stood opposite to my class where the staff room was. I was able to see him clearly. I was always able to see him no matter how far he was. Whenever he was around, I could feel the atmosphere change.

I saw him during the break times. It was strange that it was me who was always doing the silly things. Trying to steal the little time I had to see him and spend it with him.

The class finally ended. I had club. I thought that he would say something but he didn’t say a word. That angered and confused me. The club was over. I looked around to see whether there was any sign of him but he was not there.

Disappointment washed over me. I left the place. Trusting him I hadn’t brought my two-wheeler. Now, I had three kilometers to walk with no company. I hoped that he would come but he didn’t.

My anger did not last long. I could spend my whole life thinking about him and the memories he had given me. I smiled thinking about him. I liked the sound of his voice. It was ringing in my ears whenever I thought of him. It mesmerised me. I liked it when he uttered my name. It was heaven.

“Beam ” I can hear his voice saying my name even when I close my eyes. It gave me a rush it gave me happiness.

“Beam ,” it said again, only this time the voice was little closer. Then I realised that it was him calling my name. I turned to see him and he came running towards me.

“Oh my god, Beam , how many times should I call you? You made me pant,” he said.

“Sorry,” I said to him, with a smile. How could I say that I thought that his voice was a hallucination? We walked in silence not knowing how to start the conversation. I walked staring at the ground.

I didn’t know how to start the conversation. I didn’t want to start it too. Luckily, he broke the silence.

“Beam ,” he called me.

I lifted my gaze to see his beautiful, mesmerising eyes. There was something wrong with them. His face looked as though he had gone for long without sleep; His eyes were puffy and looked as though he had been crying. Something was not right. I could sense it.

“Are you alright?” I asked him, still looking into his eyes. He just smiled at me. It broke my heart. I could see the pain in his eyes. I just wanted to know what had happened. I knew he wouldn’t t say anything to me even if I asked him. I wanted to comfort him. I just want to say everything would be alright but I didn’t want to press the matter. I was afraid whether it would give him pain. I decided to change the topic.

“Do you know my friend said something comic today?” I tried to say it with humour in my tone. Luckily, I didn’t fool him. He nodded his head asking me to continue. “he asked whether I was in love with you” I said to him with a hint of laughter in my voice.

He gave a small smile and asked me, “What did you say?” There was no life in his voice but his expression changed a little. I could see that he was curious to hear my answer.

“You know me, according to you, love is nothing but a crush and I too have the same feeling for it now. So I just said there is nothing going on between us,” I replied to him.

“Hmmm…” was his reply.

“I just wanted you to know.” I said. I didn’t know how he would react to it. I wanted to say I was in love with him.

“That’s what I want to talk about.” he said.

I was stunned. I was afraid and confused. Did he know to read my mind? Could he hear what I was thinking? I asked myself. I realised that he wouldn’t talk unless I pushed it further.

“About what Forth?” I asked him.

He just shook his head and said, “Nothing Beam , just continue.”

He wanted to talk about something to me but he was not comfortable enough to talk to me about it. I just want to put him at ease so I started to talk rubbish. “Tell me about your childhood, Forth” I said.

“Well, my childhood - I have not spent much time with my parents. I grew up with my grandparents. By birth I am Christian, but brought up as per buddhist traditions. So I am not that found of non-vegetarian food. I know buddhist people do eat non veg in my case it was strictly no. Since my grandad and grandma thought that its sin to kill other livingbeing to feed ourself. I know its little strange. I don’t have belief in god,” he said.

I was not able to get the picture. It was strange but I liked it. I was curious to know a lot more about him and I continued to question him.

“Recall a sweet moment which you have always wanted to hold on to,” I told him.

“Well… a sweet moment, it happened while I was in studying third grade. I got the first rank and my father said that he was proud of me. That’s the reason why I have always wanted to be first in everything. But some may think that I can’t take failure... Yes, maybe it is true but I always want my father to feel proud of me,” he said.

“You like your father a lot?” I asked him and his reply was “all the time”.

“The moment which you want to forget?” I asked him. I was pretty sure of his answer but I wanted him to say it.

“It was my fight with Preethiv,” he said. I hurt me to see him like that. May be it was the reason for his dullness. I wanted to assure him that I would be with him always. I want to assure him that no one could hurt him again like that. But I didn’t want to do anything stupid. Before I could say anything, he continued.

“But I am recovering from it now. It is because of you, Beam . I never thought that a guy could be close to me. And that I would just crave to spend my time with a him. But you proved me wrong. I don’t know how I started to feel comfortable with you. Spending time with you when I am not alright makes me to feel better, Beam ,” he said.

My heart skipped a beat. My face flushed. I didn’t want him to know how much of an effect he had on me. I was afraid to show that to him. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to give him a tight hug.

His hands reached for my shoulder and before he could touch me, I just jumped back. I was confused. My blood drained from my face. I was feeling hot and I my face was flushed.

“Sorry, Beam  I just didn’t mean to embarrass or scare you. Some insect was on your shoulder and I wanted to scare it away. I am really sorry,” he said. His voice was sincere and I can swear he was not lying.

I just nodded my head and it took some moments for me to come back to normal.

“Who is your favorite person?” I asked him.

Part of my heart wanted him to say my name but I knew I wouldn’t be his favourite person. I had not done anything to gain that place but his reply surprised me.

“You and my brother,” he said.

I was happy. I felt a warm sensation spreading through my body. He continued.

“I had no idea I would tell you. If I think of the people I don’t want to miss in my life you and my brother come to mind. Don’t take it in the wrong sense. I just like you a lot. You just popped into my head. I don’t want to miss you in my life and without you my life would be miserable.”, If he continued to talk like this, I will have to pour out everything. He is pushing me too much today. I am reaching the end of my tether It is already too hard for me to control my emotions when he is near me. He continued again.

“Do you remember once you said you like to travel by train?” he asked me.

I was happy to answer, so I gave him a nod.

“I will make sure that happens one day a long travel,” he said and waved me goodbye.

It was then that I realised that I had reached home. I just didn’t want to go to home. I wanted to continue the walk with him but I knew now was not the time for it. I entered my home tearing my heart away from him