High school diary of Beam (Forthbeam version Completed)

Chapter 18

23rd October 2009

Sleep………… it an important part of life. I was not able to sleep properly during the night. It has been long. I was awake during the night, waiting for him, waiting for his good night message. He always sent me a good night message whenever he wanted to start the conversation.

In the beginning I had a headache; I slept very late, around two or three at night and woke up at 6 in the morning. Sleep has been my favourite thing. I always used to sleep a lot. Sometimes I think that I had slept so much in the past that I could keep s awake now.

People sleep to relax themselves but that was not the reason for my sleep. I sleep to forget my hurt, that’s the only way to make my heart hurt less. I don’t feel lonely when I sleep. Being alone and being wide awake make me to think of unwanted things. It makes me sad. It makes me confused. To avoid it, I sleep.

I am not feeling alone anymore and I don’t want to force myself to sleep. Not till I have ‘Forth’ with me. He makes me alive. His memories keep me alive. It’s enough for me to fill loneliness. No unwanted thoughts come to my mind. I have no time for it. He keeps me occupied most of the time.

I lay in my bed hugging my pillow. I felt hot. The room was hot. Maybe I feel hot because of my blanket but why is the room hot? It would be around 6 or 7 in the morning. I force myself to open my eyes, my eyelids are still heavy. I can’t move my body either. It takes sometime for me to get going.

My alarm was beeping but did not sound like my alarm. Oh my god, no, it’s my cell phone. Who is calling me this early? There is no work today. No assignments or tests, no records too. May be its not too early to feel hot. The sunlight was falling straight on to my face. I looked at my alarm clock to see what time it was. It was 11 in the morning! I had overslept. Within an hour it was going to be noon. How could this have happened? I have club today. Forth is going to be furious. He had yelled at me like no one ever had, for coForth late when he didn’t even know me. Now it will be no surprise if he kills me for not coForth.

I looked at my mobile praying that he had not have noticed my absence. But luck was not on my side. It was him. . I had got nearly 20 texts and 7 missed calls. Everything was from him. That’s it. I am done for.

Why the hell did my mom allow me to sleep? She always wakes me up. I picked my mobile to read the texts. I thought he would have used a lot of swear words. But there was nothing of that sort...

He was very worried... His texts said me that he missed me. I was feeling dizzy. I felt sick. It was as though I was going to throw up any minute. I felt tired. I had not eaten anything from the morning and it was two in the afternoon. I passed out in bed again.

He kept on texting me and I was too tired to reply. My lightweight mobile felt heavy in my hands. What the hell was happening? I was not the kind of person who fell sick often but now it was not like that. It was as though my immunity had gone down. I always look healthy. May be I felt sick because I lacked sleep.

I woke up again at 7.

“Sorry Forth.”

I typed and sent the text first so that it would calm him down and typed again.

“Sorry I was not able to text you because I was not feeling well. I was feeling dizzy and I slept the whole day. It was like being pushed .I was weak. Sorry I didn’t do it on purpose. If I could, I would have texted you earlier but I was not strong enough.” I typed it and sent it to him.

“Did you eat anything from the morning?” was his immediate question. I just wanted to lie and say yes but I was not willing to lie to him.

“NO…..” I replied.

I thought he was going to scold me but instead he called me.

“Hello” I said. I was pretty sure how his reply would be. I would like it anyway. I like it when he scolds me because it makes me feel he cares for me. I feel joy. My mom used to scold me a lot. I know she cares for me but it’s something different when it’s him. I will never be able to find why I feel this way when it comes from him. I feel different. I feel happy. I feel alive.

“What the hell are you doing, Beam ? Why you didn’t eat anything? You are feeling dizzy because you didn’t eat anything and there is no sugar in your system. When was the last time you put something into your stomach?” he asked. He was angry. He sounded worried and more than that he cared for me. It made me think that I could take up anything if he was going to take care of me.

“Yesterday evening,” I replied, in a low voice.

“First go and eat Beam , and I will stay on the line till you finish it,” he said.

“Ok,” I said and descended the stairs and reached the Beamchen and loaded my plate with food and brought it up to my room. He stayed on the line for the whole time. I ate talking to him. He was talking about how the day was in school and he said how bored he felt in the club without teasing me.

“You eat non-vegetarian foods right?” he asked me all of a sudden.

“Yes I do eat meat,” I replied to him, confused. Why was this question popped all of a sudden?

“Do you eat fish?” he asked me.

“Yes I do it’s my favourite,” I said to him still confused. Why he is asking me about it? Even though he is Christian he knows nothing about this stuff. He probably hates it. Anyway I stopped eating non-vegetarian food but I felt that it was better if I didn’t mention it to him. I knew he would ask me why I had stopped eating non-vegetarian food rather suddenly and I didn’t want him to know that it was because of him. . It sounded stupid but I wanted to do it. I had lost interest in it.

“Yup, it’s good,” he said. I was still confused why he was talking about it. He continued, “It is good, Beam . Eat a lot of fish. It has lots of protein and it is good for your system. I know you know a lot more than me. Just..... Take care Beam , I cannot take it if something happens to you,” he said.

My heart started to beat rather rapidly and probably it would have jumped out if there was no rib cage to protect it. I was feeling happy and I was feeling warm. Actually, I felt better. I didn’t know why he mentioned food. ???

“Have you finished eating?” he asked me.

“Yes Forth,” I replied.

“Sleep Beam , I will call you tomorrow” he said and hung up the phone.

I fell on my bed again and drifted into sleep. I felt that everything had happened in my dream. I was feeling happy and light.