"I am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of the greatest love. For it is a fever, and a burden, too, whatever the poets may say"
That was the first thing I read some morning, it was expect to be just another ordinary day, but it turned out to be the beginning of the end.
1980. ABBA was coming to its full circle, we all known it, but we still hung on anyway, perhaps waiting for some miracle, a miracle it never came.
The guys moved on with their lives, they remarried and have children, and us, well, to explain it would require of more than just a sentence.
If you follow my tale, you know that Anna and I became girlfriends, it was a blessed year, 1979 I mean, but the new year brought with it unexpected changes or should I say... unexpected nightmares?
In life we all make plans, but sometimes they don't turn out the way we hoped for. By trying to help out, we may damage a relationship. By attempting to reach out, we may push someone further away. By digging into the past, we may darken our present.
Anna told Björn about us, yeah, you read well, she did.
That only triggered a series of embarrassing conversations, massive avoidance of glances and the trust between she and I, began to diminish.
I still didn't buy that shit about her 'fake dating', she still insisted that it was necessary, yeah, we lived in a very homophopic world back then, but still, fake or not, the damage was done and the aftermath was spreading like gunpowder.
There comes a time when we must expose our weaknesses. When our secrets can no longer remain private, when our solitude can no longer be denied, when our pain can no longer be ignored, but sometimes we feel so alone that a weaknesses we thought we'd overcome suddenly becomes too long to fight.
That was Anna, she had bitten too deep in my soul, with or without her, I was screwed up.
No matter who we are, we all experience moments of dread. When we ask ourselves: Will we ever get to our happy ending? Will Anna break my heart? The painful truth is that sometimes the answer is yes.
I was ready for commitment, I was ready to tell the world, she wasn't.
One simple day I woke up in an empty bed, it was strange, she was staying to sleep for the last year, to me, wake without her warm felt just wrong.
I swallowed my pride and still hoped for some explanation.
She opened the door with her shiny new key that I had given her a couple weeks previous. She hadn't had to use it often; the door was usually unlocked when she arrived. She found me in the living room watching a movie, with dark circles under my eyes, which didn't surprise Anna I suppose, given the circunstance.
"Hey." she said and of course I ignored her and stared intently at the movie that was playing, but she could tell I wasn't really watching it.
"Frida..." Anna tried to coaxed.
"Don't you dare 'Frida' me."
"I'm sorry I didn't come back here last night."
"Are you? Tell me, what was your reasoning?" I snarled.
"I... I don't really have a reason. I drank a lot with my sister and just didn't want to come back here drunk."
"You promised."
"I know."
"You never break your promises, Anna, especially not to me."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"What's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"What happened between the time you left and when you decided not to come home?"
"For fuck's sake Frida, why does it matter? Nothing happened and I not live here anyway!
I recoiled as though Anna had slapped me.
"Oh well fine. I'm sorry that sleeping here 85% of the time doesn't qualify as to be your home. I'm sorry that my place isn't home to you" I countered defiantly.
"Frida, can we not do this today? I already said I was sorry."
"Fine."
"Well, obviously it isn't fine, that's like, woman's handbook rule number one, fine doesn't mean fine."
"What would you rather I say?" I asked bitterly. "Everything was normal before you left last night. Did... did your sister say something about us? Are your family back on its kick of you being too good for me? Because I know that already, but somehow you and I, we work out Anna and whatever they said... just let me prove them wrong."
"They didn't say anything! It's my choice!" she shouted without filtering herself. I wide my eyes, understood at least half of the meaning behind her words. "What is your choice, Anna?" I asked weakly after a minute's recovery.
"Nothing. I don't want to do this today, I don't want to ruin today."
"It's already ruined Agnetha, so please do tell."
"I..." She searched for the words, like if proper words in such an instant could even exist, "I can't do this anymore."
"You can't do what anymore? The fighting?" I knew that the fighting wasn't what Anna was talking about, but I couldn't believe it, not until the words were said.
"I can't do this... us, anymore. I didn't even realize I was practically living here until last night! I'm not ready for this Frida..." She trailed off, not able to find it within herself to say what she needed to say.
I felt like my lungs had been stabbed and my stomach ripped out. I felt like an acid had been poured on my heart.
"Why are you robbing me of my happiness Anna?"
"Frida, I love you but I can't face the world and its rejection"
"What are you even talking about? You are not afraid of the world, you are just a coward" Her silence only made the wound at my heart bigger. "Anna I never meant for it to mean this much, clearly you don't feel the same, so go on and say goodbye, this time I won't even try"
I went upstairs and I kept the pillow against my chest, some kind of lifesaver, but there would be no possible raft capable of rescuing me, I was already drowned in the ocean that Anna created. I didn't need a lifesaver, what I needed was to forget.
Sometimes the only thing that needs to be removed is a memory.
Whenever we make mistakes, usually we just apologize and then move on. We must try to accept the changes. But, sometimes the pain some caused in us is so great, there is no moving on.
