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Depression.
I feel sorry for the poor souls that have to or had to go through it.
I feel the need to explain some things because I'm sick and tired of people telling me that they're depressed because they cry once a week or they've been feeling "a little sad" from time to time.
Depression is not just feeling sad or crying sometimes. It's so much more.
Depression is not leaving your house for weeks because you don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. They don't care about you so why should you waste your time on them? They'll just make you feel worse. They'll judge you again. They'll make you feel worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Useless. So you stay at home and cry till your eyes can't bear it anymore. Because you don't care if they get mad or if they start hating you even more; they can't hate you more than they already do. But then you go on social media and see their pictures. They're laughing, smiling, having fun. You could've been in those pictures with them; you could've been laughing, smiling and having fun. But you just don't care. Yet, you still care enough for that to hurt you. So you cry some more because you're so goddamn stupid. You stop going on social media and you block everyone out. You don't talk to anybody and when someone messages you or calls you, you ignore it. You find some lame excuse to not leave the house. Because out there, you're vulnerable.
Depression is not showering for days, not brushing your teeth for days, not changing your clothes for days, because you don't care. You're so sad that you have no strength to shower. You have no strength to leave your fucking room and do something for yourself. You lie there in your filth, locked up in your room for days, not moving from the same spot, because you're simply too sad to function. You're too sad to do anything. Your mother tells you to go out, to shower, to take care of yourself but you're too sad to do it. You have no emotional nor physical strength to leave your bed. You know you're disgusting, but you don't care. You know you smell bad, but you don't care. You know that people in your house avoid you because of your lack of hygene, but you don't care. You're too sad to care. You're too fucking sad to do anything. You don't even touch your hair anymore because you know you haven't washed it in 13 days and it's disgusting. But you won't wash it tomorrow. You avoid looking at or smelling your clothes because you know it's gross. But you're simply too sad to care.
Depression is not taking your earphones off at any cost. You have to have them all the time. You isolate yourself; you listen to music, you watch movies, you watch tv shows and you never take your earphones off. It's the way for you to avoid talking to people because when someone sees you with your earphones, they won't talk to you. Even when there's no sound going through them. It's easier for you to dive into someone else's problems in some movie or block out your thoughts with music. You do anything so you won't need to be in reality; so you won't need to be living your life in that moment. You do anything to not be aware of your surroundings. You spend days in the same spot, with your earphones on. It's your escape.
Depression is not sleeping or sleeping too much. You're afraid to go to sleep because you know you'll have to take your earphones off and your thoughts will kill you. They will continue on murdering you inside until you give up; but they don't know that you've given up a long time ago. When you decided not to take care of yourself, not to leave your room, not to socialize, not to sleep, not to eat. You know that when you go to sleep reality will catch up with you after you've been avoiding it for so long. You go to sleep when it's already morning and you sleep till afternoon. Or you don't go to sleep at all. Because with sleep, there is waking up; a constant reminder that you're still alive and nothing has changed. You become insomniac. Why? Because you're simply too sad to sleep. Your thoughts won't let you anyway.
Depression is not eating or eating too much. You could eat too much, gain a few pounds then regret it later and hate yourself even more. Or you can not eat at all then regret it later because now you have an eating disorder. But you don't care. You won't try to fix it. You won't do anything.
Depression is constantly listening to your thoughts telling you to kill yourself. Telling you to slit your wrists, to jump off a balcony, to throw yourself under a bus, to take the whole bottle of pills, to just end it.
Depression is constantly being tired emotionally and phisically. Not being able to keep your eyes open even though you know it's better than having nightmares again. Not being able to function properly because your thoughts have exhausted you too much.
Depression is self-harming because you don't know any other way to let out your bottled up emotions. You take it all out on yourself and you're not even sorry. You're satisfied because you brought pain to yourself. It becomes an addiction that follows you wherever you go.
Depression is constantly not being able to tell the truth. You always say that you're fine. But you're never fine. It's the lie that you're used to telling everyone. You always say that everything is okay. But nothing is ever okay. You won't admit that to anyone. Why? You're too sad to care. You're too tired to care. But yet, you still care too much and it's destroying you.
Depression is like a person, like a monster holding you hostage, and there's nothing you can do about it.
After days, weeks, even months, of being locked up in your room, your family giving up and not talking to you, lying in your own filth, not communicating with anyone, self-harming, not sleeping or sleeping too much, eating too much or not eating enough, your thoughts torturing you, you finally give up. You realize that you've stopped living and you started surviving; you realize that there is no point when you're already dead inside. There was always that constant fear of falling apart, but it's gone now. Because you already fell apart.
And guess what? You're too sad to care.
This is just an insight; a little piece od what a depressed person is going through every day. This is just a beggining. If you think that this is bad, you have no idea.
Depression is not just feeling a little sad.
And people need to understand that.
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9/26/18
