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dear past me,
i've been wanting to write this to you for a while now. so let me say what i need to say. first of all, i want to apologize. i want to apologize for what will happen to you. you're just a little girl with no knowledge about the world around you. you're still so innocent, so sweet. you don't even see that people around you don't like you. can you see them walking away when you show up? no, of course you can't. because you don't think of that as a bad thing; you don't even notice it yet. so you follow them around and you're fine with that, right? you try to fit in conversations that you know nothing about but i know it's hard when they don't notice you. but you just get over it. don't worry, they won't be in your life for too long. they don't deserve you anyway. you still haven't let them steal your happiness from you. you're still smiling brightly and you still don't understand. you're still happy and i'm glad; but i'm sorry. i'm sorry that this world will drain you from all the happiness. you don't know it, but you'll struggle with smiling in a few years. you won't be able to do much things because there will be some other things holding you back. oh, and you'll meet a new friend. she's not really nice and you won't like her but you'll get used to her. i'm sure you will. she'll make you do some really bad stuff but you'll be strong enough to not let her control you. you won't like playing with toys anymore and you'll be more mature than the other kids, but that's totally fine. i'm sorry that you won't like yourself at all. i'm sorry that you'll cry yourself to sleep. i'm sorry that you'll self-harm. i'm sorry that you'll want to die. i'm sorry. i never wanted for those things to happen to you, but i couldn't control it. with time you'll learn that this world is not what it looks like in your little head right now. you'll learn some really bad stuff and find out some really sad thruths. people will walk over you and you'll let them. i'm sorry for that too. i'm sorry for everything. you'll turn into a mess. you'll turn into me and i don't like that; i don't like it at all. but we'll get through this. we can do it. for now, stay your innocent happy self. keep dreaming about big things. keep chasing fairytales. go ride that purple unicorn of yours and keep talking to those fairies that you see at night. keep pretending like your stuffed animals are alive. keep waving at airplanes and singing with birds. keep hugging trees and chasing butterflies. and don't be afraid of dwarfs, i promise they're harmless. be happy while you still can. and i'll be here, trying to win this for both of us.
with love,
your broken future self.
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10/7/18
