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i'm sometimes disrespectful, even though i don't mean to be. must be my strong character.
i swear a lot. too much, some would say. i guess it's just a way to express myself better.
i often laugh at things that shouldn't be laughed at. must be my stupid sense of humor and inability to stay serious in serious situations.
i snap really quickly. must be my bad temper. or maybe it runs in my genes. who knows? all i know is that my friends don't really like that about me.
i sometimes say things that i don't mean, in the heat of the moment. but that's sometimes. my friends don't take me seriously anymore. she wasn't serious, she didn't mean it, they say. a lot of times i do mean it but no one cares.
i hold grudges. must be my stubbornness and constant need to be right all the time. my family makes jokes about it.
i sometimes can't physically make myself smile. must be because i just want to stop being strong from time to time. my family hates that. stop being so fucking moody, they say.
i'm sometimes annoying. must be my need to feel loved. my brother can't stand it.
i won't show myself in the best light. i don't want you to see my best and then always expect my best. i'll leave a bad expression so you wouldn't be surprised when it happens again.
i'm not perfect. i'm not always smiling. i can't always be happy. i am not fine. i made some wrong decisions and i keep doing them. i know that. i can't help it. i'm aware it's not okay. i'm aware. don't hold it against me.
i would stop if i could. but i can't. it's me. don't blame me for something that i can't control. don't blame me for being me.
don't blame me for being human.
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11/30/19
this is it. this is the end.
