insane ✿ a.i

observation

I wake up sometime during the night and choose to not open my eyes.

Usually when this would happen I could talk to Alice. But she is staying with her parents for the week. So I am all alone in this room. I am all alone, once again.

-

Today in the commons I sat in a chair off to the side. I watched everyone out of the corner of my eye. It was like school all over again, but at least there I had Mikey. 

Its a unique group we have here.

Some laugh.

Some cry.

Some scratch.

Some play.

But I don't care to watch them. 

My eyes yearn to see his.

I know I shouldn't, but its too hard

I glanced out the window and saw him. My heart sped up and my hands got clammy.

He was sitting by the water fountain. With a bok and pen in hand. 

His lower lip was caught between his teeth and he was concentrating. His fist was clenched so tight that from where I was sitting I could see the white of his knuckles beneath the ink covering his skin.

I wanted so badly to be able to unclench his fisted hand and take it between mine. Look into his eyes and tell him everything will be okay, because I will be there for him.

-

My eyes burn and I realize that tears are falling freely.

I let out a strangled scream and knot my fingers into my hair. 

-

He and I could never be.

I am a freak.

I am a loser.

-

After I had watched him from afar for a good ten minutes Luke comes to me and tells me its time to go to Susan.

He still doesn't speak to me and I don't blame him.

Susan greets me with a big smile and asks me to sit down. I do and she folds her hands and says, "So, progress. You haven't had any issues or disruptions with your behavior  so you are moving up a level. This means that you can leave your room without an escort but Luke will still observe you and report back to me."

"Okay, thank you."

She smiles again and this time I realize that it doesn't reach her eyes.

-

I leave her office after she informs me more about my condition and head straight to the commons.

I hope to see him again but he is gone.

-

As i sit here in bed with tears running down my cheeks to my cracked lips I realize I am alone.

This fantasy I am having about Ashton is ridiculous and will never happen. 

But I will admit that it is a nice fantasy to escape to.

-

"Josephina....."

"Come out and play..."

"Don't be afraid...."

I look up and see a little girl who looks like me sitting in the corner crying. 

This is not real.

She is not real

The voices are not real.

But they don't disappear. 

The girl sniffles and looks up at me with pleading eyes.

I want to run. 

I curl up into a ball and push my hands into my ears.

I don't hear the door open.

I don't feel the weight of someone sitting on the edge of my bed.

But I do feel the pressure of their hand wrapped around my ankle.

I open my eyes, afraid of what I am going to see.

I don't want any of the things I see or hear to touch me.

But when I open my eyes I see him.

His face looks solemn. 

And all I want to do is have him hold me until we die.

-

punk ashton picture. xx