insane ✿ a.i

coldness

"Where do you go?"

I look down and clench my fists once. I'm tired of all of this pain.

"I see things. My mind is playing tricks on me," I say angrily and his brows knit together as he follows my words, "There is a little girl who is always there and she looks so bloody scared. Whenever things start to get a little bit better for me she comes back and looks so sweet but hurt, like she is experiencing an unbearable pain. Whenever I call out to her everything changes. She becomes mean and it scares me that she is going to hurt me."

The room is silent.

"Sometimes she whispers my name or sings to me."

Silence.

"Sometimes she grips my hand or touches my body."

Silence.

"Sometimes I cry and I hear her laugh rumbling in my ears."

Silence.

"Sometimes I wish I were dead, but instead a coldness blankets my body and everything goes out of focus. It's almost like a high, but I'm so low that I want everything to end. And you know who I see when it gets like that, Ashton," I glance up and his mouth is open a tiny bit and his face is pale, "I see her standing there with a little rag doll that looks like me and just when I am about to lose it or give up, she twists the doll and my body trembles and I cry out in pain. If I were to ask for death out loud she would be there to hand me a knife."

He is silent and I stand up quickly and go to the small window.

"Everything inside of me is dead."

Deep breath.

I clench my hand into a fist and hear, "Just let go and be with me."

I scream and without thinking slam my fist into the wall three times, fast and brutally.

Ashton is by my side and I have no tears streaming down my face this time. Everything inside of me is done. I am done. 

With panicked hands he pulls me in close and he is trembling, "Please don't hurt yourself."

I snicker, "If I don;t hurt myself I'll end up hurting you."

I shake my head and walk away to the bed and look down at my hand that is dripping in blood and a deep red. 

I hate who I have become. 

I've become a mangled mess and a freak.

There are no safe places in my mind.

Everything about me is rotten.

I hate myself.

"What if I punched the wall every time I told myself I hated myself, would my knuckles be as bruised as the inside of my heart?"

-

Update Update Update.

So does anyone ever read this anymore or nah?

ily if you're one who been with me since the beginning