Breaking Her Own Rules

23

I stayed inside my apartment and didn't leave. I rejected all calls from Denny and kept my bolt on the door so Denny couldn't get in.

I stayed on my bed, wrapped up in my blanket.

Yesterday's event hurt more than I thought it would. The accusing eyes. The hurt in them.

Denny was at the manor and for Nicholas to tell me he was getting bored and looking for someone else, that stung.

That is the main reason why I'm hiding from everything. I'm trying to process why it hurt so much.

I enjoyed hanging out with Denny, getting paid or not. I stopped sending him invoices because...why? I frowned. It has to be something more than I felt bad about it. There was guilt too, but there is something more than that.

I jumped as the knocking on the door continued. But I didn't answer it. It will go away, like it did this morning, like yesterday and last night.

I shouldn't be aching like this. So what if Denny wanted a new girl? I knew his reputation. He grows weary and tired of the same person. Maggie told me so.

The knocking stopped after a while as I looked at the door. I got up and moved to a window, looking down on to the street.

I saw the flashy car on the side of the road. Denny pacing next to it. I tightened the blanket around me as he looked up to my window.

He saw me and after a few long seconds, I turned away. I had a shower instead, getting dressed. I need to get out. Out of here. These four walls feeling like they are closing in on me.

I pulled my hair back, tying it off before I got dressed.

I went back to the window, the flashy car gone.

Sighing, I took my bag and left my apartment. I need time to myself. I need to process this. I need to know why it hurts so much.

****

I dropped my bags on the floor as I closed my door.

After getting refills on my nails, a few hundred dollars of clothes and shoe shopping, it still didn't make me feel any better.

It usually does when I'm down like this. But then again, I've never been this down over a client.

After Lloyd died, I curled up on the bed, crying for days. I was an emotional wreck.

But now, I did stay on my bed most of the time, trying to figure this situation all out, I never realised I was crying until I saw how red my eyes were.

I heard another knock on the door as I groaned. I didn't take my phone out with me, I didn't want to be reminded why I was out and dipping in to my savings.

"Harvey, this is ridiculous. Open the door. I know you're there." I heard Denny through the door.

I turned to my phone, seeing all the missed calls and messages and turned on my music, turning the volume to full. But it still didn't drown out the knocking.

I dug through a drawer till I found my head phones and plugged them in. That's better. Taking my phone with me, I went to the bathroom and took off my jeans and shirt, unclipping my bra and pulling on a singlet.

I crawled back into bed, cuddling in to the pillows and blankets, blocking out everything except the music in my ears.

I've balled it down to where I started. I've made no progress in this. It hurt. I'm hurt. I can't figure out why and I don't want to now. I just want to lay here, think of nothing.