Mine

Chapter Five

Nobody here's perfect. Everyone's to blame...

Six months later

"What are you going to do if this child grows up the spitting image of Boran and not Kubilay?" her sister asks softly.

They are alone in the hospital room and that is the only reason Miray doesn't snap at her older sister. Instead, her eyes fill with tears and her heart squeezes because somehow instinctively, Miray already knows who the father of her newborn baby is.

Her son is born after eighteen hours of difficult labour. It's as if he knows he is being born into a world of chaos and turmoil and wants no part of it. He doesn't cry when he's born and for a horrific moment, Miray thinks the unthinkable has happened, that she has been punished for her infidelity with the loss of her child, but the doctor assures her the baby is fine and not all babies cry when they're born. When her son is placed on her chest, his eyes are open and he is regarding her somberly. Alihan, she names him. Beautiful one. This year has been one of heartbreak and change and she goes into labour in a panic because she feels deep in her bones that her husband is not this child's father and has no idea what his or her arrival will mean. Yet the second her doctor places this tiny human being over her heart and he looks up at her with his father's eyes, that same warm brown, she feels the most overwhelming sense of peace. Fierce protectiveness and love, the likes of which she always heard about but never felt before, wells up inside of her. His well being is all that matters. That he have the safe, settled home she never did.

Things are different between her and Kubilay. She wants to think it's because of the pregnancy and that things will get back to way they were before... before. She will grow to love him again. She does love him, Miray tells herself, if it's not that same love they had in the beginning, well, relationships change as people grow, don't they? She hears that all the time. Passion fades and what's left is what really sustains a marriage. Respect, trust, (she feels a sharp twinge at that one) love and working towards a shared future.

Her sister, Ipek, is the only one who knows what happened between her and Boran. She's the only one Miray trusts to keep her secret. She loves her mother but feels the weight of her mother's judgement if she ever found out because that is why her own marriage broke apart. Miray wonders if it's genetic then, but what happened between her and Boran, even as wrong as it was, doesn't feel sordid. Still, she's determined it will never happen again, regardless of the dreams that she's had as her pregnancy progressed that had left her gasping and sweaty with the memories of what had happened between them and other things that never will.

"Kubilay is his father," Miray insists because she needs it to be true even though she knows down to her bones that it isn't. She doesn't know where the certainty comes from. Boran used a condom. They were drunk, but not drunk enough that she doesn't remember that moment, every moment from that point on is burned into her memory. She can remember with beautiful clarity what he felt like inside of her, how he smelled, the sounds he made when he...

Her sister pointed out that maybe it tore or something happened when he put it on in his drunken stupor and as Miray looks down at her son, she knows that something must have gone wrong. She's torn between exquisite happiness and intense panic. Surely no one else can tell yet?

Kubilay had given no indication that he noticed anything wrong as he held the baby with tears in his eyes. He'd leaned down and kissed her softly, warmth in his eyes. She'd missed the way he used to look at her and having it back gave her hope. They could give this baby a good, loving home. She knows they can.

Boran doesn't want the same life. He doesn't want marriage and she assumes that extends to children. Well, fine, she thinks, pushing past the pain of that knowledge. She will give her baby a father that does want it.

Still, a part of her wants Boran to be a part of this baby's life, even if neither of them never know. When has she become this deceitful person? She always thought of herself as a good person. She knows the exact moment. It wasn't when she and Boran had sex. She was ready to confess all to Kubilay. It wasn't even when Boran told her that they had no future. It was the moment she learned she was pregnant. Her baby's happiness became worth any price, any lie. Then the first time she felt him move, the softest butterfly flutter beneath her skin, Miray knew she would gladly carry her secret to the grave to ensure her baby would never feel rejected, never know what it was like to live without a father's love.

After the wedding, she and Boran try and rebuild their friendship. Things are still a little strained between them, but better. Kubilay doesn't object outright but she senses an animosity between the two men now that seemed to have intensified over the last year. They were never really 'friends' but... Miray wonders if it's her own paranoia pitting the men against each other. She lets Boran know that morning that the baby has arrived and he's on his way to visit. She's both dreading and anticipating that moment when he lays eyes on his son for the first time and wondering if somehow he'll just know like she did. Probably not, she thinks to herself, her anticipation dimming just a little. He's wonderful with children, but doesn't want any of his own apparently so likely he doesn't have that paternal instinct like she has her maternal instinct.

Her mother has gone home to get some sleep, having stayed up all night in the waiting room with her sister, awaiting the baby's arrival. Kubilay has gone to get them coffee. A part of her hopes he doesn't return until after Boran has left but she knows that's unrealistic. She at least wants Boran to have a moment with the baby without Kubilay there. It feels traitorous but she wants to watch him, unguarded.

Miray's heart leaps into her chest when at a knock on the door to her private room, Boran pops his head in with a smile. "I actually got here twenty minutes ago but it's a zoo out front with all the reporters. I just managed to break free."

He makes his way into the room and Ipek suddenly gets up out of her chair after greeting him and kisses Miray on the cheek, telling her she's going to head home too. She looks up at her sister in gratitude. She and Boran will have at least a few moments alone with their son. He leans down and hugs her after her sister leaves and Miray just wants to bury herself in his arms and cry because of how good his arms feel around her.

They hold each other for a moment longer than they know they should when a small whimper beside the bed catches their attention and they both turn to the tiny bundle in the bassinet. "Oh, the man of the hour," Boran says with a smile heading over to the baby. He looks down and the smile slips from his face and something that looks like awe moves across his features. He slowly lifts his head to look at Miray. "Can I?"

Her eyes fill with tears and she nods, watching as he picks Alihan up out of the bassinet and into his arms. He touches the baby's face softly with one finger. "He's...Miray, he's beautiful." She watches him swallow and his face is flushed when he meets her eyes. He looks back down at the baby and delight fills his face again. "Hi, little one."

"His name is Alihan," she tells him and he goes still.

She told Kubilay that the name was just one she's always liked. Another lie. She and Boran along with Pinar and their other costar Fatih would play games onset where they would name the future children of the couples they portrayed and Alihan was one Boran suggested for their characters. She holds her breath, wondering if that will trigger any kind of suspicion for him, and whether she wants it to.

His eyes are red and glistening when he looks at her. "Leon would approve," he says, his voice shaky as he gives her a small smile.

Before she can try and decipher the emotion on his face, Kubilay returns, the air instantly changing and becoming awkward.

"Boran, I see you've met my son," her husband says, setting the coffee down on the hospital tray attached to Miray's bed. He extends his hand to Boran with a proud grin.