Home Is Overrated | ✓

31.| chạy

chạy
{Vietnamese} 》run

H a i l e e

          I took the liberty of staying in the apartment on Monday. I didn't skip because I was sick nor did I need a mental health day, I skipped because I was terrified of facing Aries. I was beyond scared of what this conversation would bring us. There was no turning back now, we could try and ignore the kiss as much as we want but it will only end badly.

I really wanted to just disappear off the face of the Earth and as much as I wanted to skip the remaining of the week, I couldn't. I have exams to attend to and I have a Halloween party to rock. There is no point in avoiding Aries any longer. So I gathered my wits and held the straps of my backpack tightly and entered the school with my head held high. I made a beeline to my locker and got all the things I will need for the next few classes. I slammed it shut and rest my forehead on it for a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I needed my mouth, heart and mind to be in sync for this conversation. I needed to be able to express myself and my feelings so I can get Aries and I on the same page.

I sighed and made my way towards his locker where I knew I could find him or at least I could wait for him there.

Fortunately for me, he was there, in all of his glory and suddenly it felt like the world was going in slow motion. His brown hair was styled back giving me a clear view of his sharp features. My breath hitched into my throat as I neared him. My heartbeat accelerated and I could feel it hammering against my rib cage in an alarming speed. My chest tightened and it felt as it was collapsing in on itself. I almost turned back and hid in the janitor closet but before I could that, his gaze fell on me and I swear my heart stopped.

"Hailee." He said breathlessly, like he was so shocked that I'm standing right in front of him.

"Hey, Aries." I tried lifting the corners of my mouth into a smile but I failed. I was too nervous to smile.

"Before you say anything, I need you to hear me out, okay?" I nodded. This sentence struck me as bad so I prepared myself for the worst, for the rejection.

"I think I'm in love with you, Hailee." My world abruptly stopped. The air was knocked out of me and I felt like I might faint any second now.

"You what?" I whispered, too stunned to actually say anything.

"Listen, I know you're scared," Am I? At that moment my flight or fight instinct kicked in due to the high level of anxiety that I was feeling. I couldn't comperhend what he is saying. It's like all my brain cells died out and my mind diminished, I was left with just purely animalistic instincts that told me to run. I took a step back then another and I found myself running away towards the school's doors.

What did I just do?

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            I laid on Ana's couch with tear stained cheeks and a heart that was over flown with guilt. For the first few moments after Aries's confession, I was in complete and utter shock. After that, tears just fell down like a waterfall, like a downpour and I couldn't stop it. I cried in the middle of the parking lot like a baby but there was little to no one there to witness my breakdown.

Thank God, Ana was late this morning. She found me standing in the parking lot as the bell for the first period rang. Instead of running towards her class, she ran towards me and wrapped her arms around me while I sobbed into her shoulder. She noticed how confused and sad I was so she didn't ask any questions and just took me to her car and drove to her house. After I calmed down a little, I explained every little detail to Ana from the asylum visit to this morning conformation. When I was done with the conversation, I cried again. I didn't even know what I was crying about but the guilt and self-loathing washed over me like a tidal wave and dragged me under till I could feel nothing. The feelings were unexplainable, a knotted mess of strings that I couldn't unwrap.

"Let me ask you something," Ana said as I set up and wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I nodded slowly at her.

"Does he treat you well?" She asked. I stared at her with a lost expression but nodded anyway.

"Did he ever do anything to hurt you emotionally or physically?" I shook my head. Aries is a respectful, considerate guy, I know for sure he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

"Has he shown any interest in any other girl?" She asked. Aries hasn't mentioned any females aside from his mom.

"No, not that I know of." I whispered, my voice is hoarse from all the weeping I have done.

"Do you feel special around him?" Honestly he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in this world that matters. I nodded at her with a small smile.

"Do you feel butterflies? Do you only want to spend time with him? Do you feel comfortable around him?" I nodded eagerly at all three questions. There is never a dull moment when Aries is around, I'm never anxious and I'm never sad, he makes feel happy and safe.

"Then why the fuck did you run away?" She scowled at me and I frowned.

Seriously, why do I keep running? It's like an instinct and honestly it's as easy as breathing for me now. It's all I have known since I was old enough to understand the world around me. As family we kept running away from financial problems instead of facing them head on so as a girl I thought it's okay to run away from my problems, from awkwardness, my weight, my anxiety and my feelings, because it has always been the easier choice.

"Because I'm a freaking coward!" I exclaimed. Ana was taken back for second by my outburst but she recovered quickly.

"No offence, but you are," I felt a slight jab to my heart but I let her continue anyway. "I know it's hard to trust and open up to somebody when you're constantly on the move but are you really living if you're hiding behind the walls you built around yourself? Are you really living if you're going through life like a soulless body?

"That's not what living is, Hailee. It's about experiencing all these amazing feelings like love. It's scary as hell but it's also so wonderful when you're with the right person and Aries is your right person, any blind person can see that, so stop running away like a mouse and talk to the guy because we all know that you're head-over-heels for him." A fresh set of tears welled up in my eyes but this time it wasn't sadness. It was recognition and love that brought them up. All she said was true and it hit a nerve like a nail on the head. I was scared of connecting with people because I didn't know how much time I have with them so I didn't, to avoid the hurt later. But it's not healthy nor is it good for me, I spent the majority of my life hiding and running till it turned me into a robot without even realizing it. I needed to stop and it is going to start now.

I love Aries and I wasn't going to run away from my feelings or him ever again.