My Grade 10 (S.Y. 2018-2019)

10

October 13, 2018

The first idea came up in my mind today was Jimin's birthday and especially kuya cm's birthday. Anne Kurt, Eane, and I really wanted to celebrate but we can't. Maybe it's because he's too far away and right now, we are honestly busy.

Today is our film making for our project too. We shot the scenes in our resort. Mostly, we shot the scenes with Bianca and Aaron since they were the leads in our story. I don't know why but I'm disappointed at myself today. First, I didn't prepared the camera, I mean the shooting angles and the lighting. I had a hard time figuring it out on the spot. Second, the resort is dirty. A huge messed up place with scattered leaves and rotten fruits at the ground. Third, three people went out without finishing the purpose of what is today's meeting. Still, I really am disappointed at myself.

I didn't even had much fun today, even though he is here. I think it's because I'm ill today and I can't really express myself today unlike at school. From the moment I woke up, I found myself really ill today. My body aches at their joints, my body just feels so heavy, my nose is clogged, my throat hurts causes my voice changes, I cough several times but I keep on acting okay.

My dad was cooking that time and he said he needs carrots so I volunteered myself to go buy some with him, accompanying me. It was very hot during that time so I can't really think straight enough. I was happy that at least my dad cooked us our food. My mom prepared the utensils to use too.

What on my mind now is that I'm thinking about my blind date for tomorrow. Will I make myself look pretty or just be normal? Should I wear a dress or just jeans? Should I wear a skirt or just shorts? Will I put a little makeup or not? Just some common questions about me curious what will I do.

Hours has passed and Aaron needed to go home so Arjay, Prince, and I accompanied him half way. I asked for a hug before he go and he gave me one, not that special though. On our way back, Arjay and Prince kept on talking funny about Joseph. I just can't stop laughing about it.

We played basketball together. Arjay, Prince, Eane, and me. Just some shooting did. We had a fun time playing basketball because of those who doesn't know how to play. Literally, can't stop laughing about them. We decided to go home and end it here. I accompanied Eane to their home because my dad needed some potatoes, bell pepper, and evaporated milk.

The time I got back, I got myself to go online at Facebook to check whether he is online or not. The answer is not, just always. But I never got tired of waiting, I don't know why. After that I've checked it, I got a little chitchat with Jayson and greeted kuya cm a happy birthday then gone offline. I feel tired so I wanted to rest. I decided to take a nap but it ended up an hour sleep. As soon as I woke up, I headed at the bathroom to wash myself up then organise my things and thought about what will I do for tomorrow because I know I'll be super busy too. I need to do the laundry tomorrow. I need to do the household chores tomorrow. I wanted to just disappear for a moment then come back right after. I just wanted to rest. I think my body can't keep up with my daily routine like this. My mental state isn't that good right now too.

I tried to mix and match some of my outfits for what I'll be wearing for tomorrow. I ended up wearing a dress because I'm ill, my fashion sense dropped. I need to get better for tomorrow or else I may not come. I wanted to ask Aaron for anything but he's busy. I wanted to have a chat but that's it, he is busy. There's nothing I can do about that.

Another thought came, will my feelings for him really would change? I know myself it wouldn't because I'm not that type of person. I may distance myself, not because of my sudden feelings, it's because of I'm getting tired. I just wanted to break and think that when will I be part or focus of your attention? I'm not worried of my feelings. That feeling that you really really like a person that came up you love him already but you're just freaking tired trying to get his attention every single day because you wanted him to know that "hey I can do these kind of stuff too" or "hey I exist, do you know that?"

Maybe it's better to die.

When will I die?

What's the caused of my death?

It's too suffocating...