My Grade 10 (S.Y. 2018-2019)

11

October 20, 2018

My entry for tonight is about what just happened. He remembered the changing our nicknames in messenger. I was certain about something for today that is, I wanted to clear his nickname. I gave his nickname not too long ago, it's his katakana form of Aaron even though I can't call him that. It's his name but I just can't bring myself to call him that.

Also today, I lost my pet puppy, Prince. It was one in the afternoon that happened. I can't stop crying about what happened for today. It made me stop what I'm feeling. It made me flashback all the sad memories I've been through and I can't stop from thinking about it.

I wanted to message him that time but I know he won't be online and I know he isn't there for me always. So I wanted to take a stroll, just to ease my mind about what happened. Again, I checked if he's online.

"Now you've set up a nickname on him, hmm?" My sister said.
"Ohh that. It was his idea but he didn't put up a nickname on mine and the nickname I've put? It's his name also." I explained.
"Why put a nickname if he doesn't give you the importance as same as yours?" My sister asked me, kind of sarcastic.
"Ohh... Maybe it's because I enjoy torturing myself and letting it kill me slowly inside." I simply replied.
"Don't just bury your pain, okay? Don't keep it all up until it ate you up. Just don't." My sister told me this as if like a warning.
"I won't eat dinner for tonight, okay? I'm going to sob for a while." I said as she and I laughed. She'll cover me for an excuse.

I went to Deparo earlier. I didn't get a chance to message him that I'll be leaving but he was online as soon as I got back. We chat for a while but not for too long. I don't know why but I feel so hurt. I feel like all the pain was bottled up inside me and I can't tell anyone about what I'm feeling.

Should I pretend again?

Should I pretend always?

Do I always have to do this?

I was watching an anime called Violet Evergarden. Violet-chan didn't know what "love" means and as time passes by while watching this. It really touched me and turned myself into a crybaby, like literally. Her major's last words were "From the bottom of my heart, I love you" but Violet-chan doesn't know the meaning of "love" that time. She had a hard time trying to understand what her major's last words are.

That time, I cried not just because of what I'm watching. I also cried because of what I wanted to settled in my feelings. I really wanted to hear him say "aishiteru" but I don't deserve that.

"Aishiteru"?

I wanted to hear that again, not from my friends, not from my family but from someone who loves me as much as I do more like a lover.

I was thinking of taking a break from this feeling but it can't stopped. I've been receiving pain. Is this what I get for three years? It hurts. It really hurts.

During this time, it was when he changed my nickname to " Mahal ko <3 <3 <3 (DATE)" . It really kicked me from the inside. The way he emphasize the "Dati". It hurts.

I hope I looked fine for him as I was replying to him. It hurts.
Even if I pretend okay in our conversation, I was already crying in personal.

How can I stop these tears?

How can I stop the flow of it?

How can I stop from being an idiot?

It hurts.

It really hurts.

I am in pain.