i can't take this month. since my last update the only thing that i've been able to do is, well, nothing. i can't play cod zombies long enough to even enjoy it. i can't write for longer than thirty seconds before giving up. i can hardly do anything since the last update. i have been getting a lot of sleep though, which is new. i
sorry, it's 9:40 now, I didn't write here for like, 50 minutes. i was trying the der eisendrache easter egg, i was doing good, then i just quit. it was going well, but i just decided to stop. first time doing it for a few days. was Nikolai, got a double points from the tram round one, and was able to do the simon says game on round 7. which is good. it is very good. it is the earliest you can do it solo, unless if you do something that involves the rocket i think, but i mean without using any tricks or whatever.
anyway, as i was saying. i sleep for 8 - 10 hours, which is new. then i'm awake for, at least 12, at most 14, then i'm asleep again. i can hardly watch anime with the moods i'm in. the last few days seemed like nothing but tears. i don't know why, but for the past few days, maybe even a week, i've been crying like crazy. i don't know why. i don't know how or when i start crying. last night i woke up crying, though i don't remember what my dream was. why are those memories flooding back now? why now?
it's been nearly a year. so, i might as well tell you. last year, after...what is said...and she...mah thought it was best if i got help, "medical" help. so i spent a week in a...mental hospital? i don't really know if you'd call it that. but i spent a week there. well, technically 6 days, not 7. i was discharged early becuase I was a good kid. anyway, i spet 5 nights there. 5 sad, lonely nights. for each of those nights i had the same nightmare...Jannessa was yelling at me...in anger...in hatred...she hated me...she wanted me to die...she wished all the worst things upon me...and for each of those six days i kept telling myself that she hated me...that i had messed up one of the only good things that ever happened to me...i cried when i got there...i was practically crying the entire time i was there...i met a few good people there...someone named Alex...older than me, taller...he was a good person...he had been there once before...another kid who's name i forgot...but he was really good a drawing hands...i mean really good...though, i did wonder "why hands?" when i was there...and there was another person...it's not my place to tell his story...but it was a stupid one...a really stupid one...he angered me...he sometimes talked about a girls...thing... like he owned them...it disgusted me...i hated him for doing it...i bet he still talks about them like he owns them...and there was another guy...Ricardo, i think his name was...he was also older...a good guy too...then another one...I think Adrian, or something that started with an A...Aiden...yeah that sounds good...anyway, fate did not have his side...i don't know if he is still there...but i do hope that he is not there...for his fate needs to change...in a good way...a very good way...and another one... older than me...he was not the best, but he wasn't the worst...cut himself he did...badly...another one...older than me...had an afro the enitre time i was there, then it was comed the last day he was there, which was my 5th day...and then some younger ones...a jerk who called me "pimple face"... i've been called a rapist, get a better named to call me than that and i'll give him a metal...anyway, i don't take pride in being called a rapist...I DON'T! sorry...for yelling...anyway...then on my 3rd night a black kid showed up...i didn't want to remember his name so i didn't...he wasn't bad...at least not until the second black kid showed up...older than me...acted like a toddler...he angered me...i hated him...for the five days i was there it was going well...sure i did hate the one kid...but he didn't make me bottle my rage to the point where i would pace...the second black kid did...he was like the other black kid...and the one who talked...but worse...way worse...his first day there was one of the most rage enducing days ever...and it broke me...at the end of the day he was just being a...a...well...he wasn't a good person...he talked about girls as if they were his property...the other one only talked about thier lower privates...but this black kid talked about the entire body...like each girl taht was there should worship him and...well, in lack of bettrer terms, pleasure him...disgusting....just, disgusting...his first night there i yelled...i just flat out yelled after trying my best to keep my rage built in...i was close to walking up to the balck kid and beating the ever liveng hell out of him...and i mean i would have let...another me take over...if i did then i would not be here...i would not be writing this update...i would have killed that black kid...i'm not kidding...i would have killed him if i didn't leave that room and pace in the hallway...then the one who talked about woman's privates asked if i was alright, then i yelled...i just yelled...the rage had blanked my mind and then i was looking at him...hatred in his eyes...he mumbled something about "beating the s out of me" or "i'm going to kill you" or something like that...and I, clear as day...growled back at him, "I'd like to see you try."...that night the Jannessa nightmare was even worse...i remember the looked in her eyes...they haunt me...they were my eyes...when i growled that night...i know it becuase her eyes were mine...they were filled with the want to fight...hatred unlike no other...the want to kill...no...the need to kill...the complete willingness to kill...just for saying that...just for saying the look in Jannessa's eyes in that nightmare...i want to die...or forget my life happened ...thank you spodify...ricochet by starset...the acousit version of it started to play...not what i need or want...it's true...to me...listen to it...i only hope you get why it's true to me...anyway...then the next day was my last day...not because i yelled...but becuase i did more than what had was meant too...i listened...i interacted...i told my story...and the parent sessin was apparently very good...
that was the first time i talked about that...my time there...thank you spodify...starlight by starset acoustic started to play...another true song...just as true as ricochet, maybe even more...telepathic heart is another true song to me...acoustic...just the song itself is true...not the different versions of it...but the acoustic one's fit me more...anyway...that was the first time i talked about that place...i didn't tell megan the full story...nor will i ever tell her...telling you know is breaking me...going through those nightmares...going throuh those memories...they're breaking me...i'm sorry...but...i'm going to have to call it quites here...sorry, and bye
