The most pain

Realization

"Realization"

I feel alone now so alone, but that is just the beginning. I feel like I abandoned the ones I loved when they needed me most. I feel like I could have done something to prevent what happened. I wish it happened differently then it did. I wish I was there for them, but how was I even helping them when I was never able to help them when I was with them in the first place. I feel like I'm a villain now destroying everything that I helped build. It's tearing a hole in my heart, and draining all my dreams out into the gutter. I feel as though I'm falling into a severe nightmare and Im fully aware of the ramifications of falling asleep and becoming numb to the real world, and I can't stop myself. I feel as though I've caused even more pain than Ive helped stop. The madness is overwhelming, I'm in a state of denial that I've been ripped away forever and that there's a way back to my old life of helping others and compete abominations. I still feel trapped in my old nightmare and I can't help but notice how much things have changed from the past. It's a new beginning for me now, a way out from the nightmare that I've trapped myself in. My head is constantly plagued, spinning out of control by my thoughts of all the different possibilities that could happen in a single moment. For my own sake I must not act on my own whims and focus on the future of my own actions. I must become who I once was, and still am. I feel as though I've lost my way and need to get back on my own track and forge my own path to great things. My mind is tormented by the past of my own afflictions and ambitions that I've constructed out of pure hate. For what I do not understand quite yet but in time I will learn to forgive myself and respect my life and all those affected by it. My will is strong and with determination I can accomplish great things that no one else can do. I leave you now to think on these things so that you know I am not a child but a man seeking truth in myself and embracing the love that others so desperately want to bestow upon me.