on some days, I think about my parents
how I, as a fragile five year old,
could never truly comprehend why mom and dad never spoke to each other in any language other than hatred
why mom sometimes broke down behind closed doors where she thought nobody could hear her
why all the anger she suppressed towards my father ended up pouring down on an unsuspecting victim - me
why everybody's mom and dad loved each other so much while mine behaved like strangers
and as I got a little older, I could feel
every fight of theirs, raw in my bones
tears cascading down uncontrollably
as I watched my family fall apart in front of my eyes
and on those days, I cry for the childhood I lost. The child i never got to truly be.
on some days, I reflect on the person I'd always dreamt of becoming
free spirited, independent, strong
and looking at myself now
i cannot stop myself from faling prey
to the poisonous fumes of self hatred
engulfing every last ounce of love I'd forced myself to feel
and on those days, the blade becomes my best friend. Something about the scarlet stains down my hands reminds me that the pain is very much...alive.
on some days, I get reminded of everything i've had to let go of
how i've had to kill so many dreams, hopes, expectations
i get reminded of every single night I've spent lying awake, excruciating pain in every inch of my heart
willing myself to stop breathing, willing myself to end it all
all the broken promises, forgotten ambitions
happiness seems like a far away, mythical land
and on those days, I don't let myself sleep. instead, I let all my tears out. After all, once dawn arrives, I'll have to pretend I'm strong again.
~27/10/2018
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Nepenthe
PuisiThe second collection of poetry from the poet of Desolate (a Wattpad Featured book). ---------------------------------------------------- Praise for Nepenthe: "I'm gonna sit in a corner of profound thoughts. Simply fab." @shyam79 "Speechless!...I us...
