Never giving up on you - Completed.

28.

Austin

Warped Tour

Summer 2014

Warped Tour had always been my favorite tour of the year, and 2014 wasn't anything different. The bands we were touring with consisted out of old friends we had known and toured with for years, but also out of newbies who were beyond excited to be on and get some experience and a chance at networking.

Summer had already be on it's way and we were almost eight weeks into touring. Ever since day one our days, and especially mine, had been waking up, go have fun backstage or at the festival, do a show and get drunk afterwards at a busparty. It was exhausting, and I knew it would break me up eventually, but going on like this felt like the only way to cope with myself lately. I would smoke as much marihuana as I could, get drunk, get laid, go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. As long as no one was complaining about my ability to perform, it was fine. Half of the people at Warped did it like this, so I didn't much see the harm in it.

On the other side, I did drink, and party, and do drugs and sleep with a lot of women because I hoped it would fill the empty feeling I'd had for a while. I loved my life, I loved doing what I did and the effect it had on people. I loved touring, I loved the band, I loved the fans. But loving myself? Not so much. I had a hard time with coming to terms with myself lately; I disappointed myself by going on like this. I was ruining my body and I knew, but every time I tried to stop and get myself back on track I would feel even worse so I fell back into my bad habits every single time. And my bad habits didn't make me feel bad. For a short moment, at least.

I was overthinking all this while staring at the crowd inside our bus; it was our turn to throw a busparty, and we had invited a lot of people. They were mingling around while drinking and laughing, and although I had been in a real party vibe tonigh, I felt it ebbing away now. I was tired, I was drunk and somehow I was craving silence and peace.

I softly pushed away the pretty girl that was sitting on my lap and got up. She looked at me.

'Austin, were are you going?,' she asked in her sweetest voice.

'Outside,' I mumbled, gesturing her to stay where she was when I walked off. I got down the few steps of the bus and inhaled the fresh air while looking around; there were so many people outside that it wasn't even better than inside and I sighed. I was craving a place for just myself right now and I suddenly had an idea. I got back into the bus and walked up to our bunks, climbing on bunks and pushing open the hatch in the roof. A few people looked at me but I ignored them, not wanting anyone around me now. With a little effort I hoisted myself through the hatch and sat down on the roof, inhaling deeply and letting myself fall on my back. I looked up at the bright moon and the twinkling stars far above me and felt myself calm down a bit after a while.

My thoughts found their way back into my mind and this time I didn't try to push them away. I had been pushing them away for a long, very long time already. One of the things that often popped up in my head was the question whether or not I was living my life the way it was supposed to be. Was I supposed to be taking stuff to feel better? Was I supposed to be taking stuff to fill gaps in my life and heart just so I could get through another day?

I had felt this empty ever since my mother had died. Every single day since her death had been a struggle, even after getting the band and performing, even after being married and the more after breaking up. I needed someone to talk to, someone who would listen and give me advice that I could actually do something with, someone who understood me. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and let it twist between my fingers for a moment, while staring up at the dark blue sky with the hypnotizing lights. I could call Alison, but she would most likely be asleep back in the U.K. I could call my sister, but she would not be amused or helpful because she hated what I did to myself and we would only get into a discussion that would lead to a fight. Then it suddenly dawned to me and I looked up my father's number in my phone. I tried to calm myself down so I wouldn't sound emotional when he picked up, but I know I failed when he answered the phone and I tried to say something.