Never giving up on you - Completed.

39.

Caity

May 2011

Stanford, California

It was near the end of may, and it was hot. I was five months pregnant and wondering how I was to survive the warm spring and coming summer. My belly was really showing and I was tired and moody lately, unable to sleep at night and trying not to fall asleep throughout the day.

Work was getting heavier every single day, and my coworkers took my situation in account; I was only still allowed to do some minor, non-heavy duties at the ward now.

Other than that I was doing okay, and the baby was thriving. It kicked it's way through my belly and made me laugh, and when I was awake at night, I'd place my hands on my belly and talk or sing at it. It would always softly react and my heart would burst with love for it already. Although he had left me, I wasn't alone.

Not thinking about him got a little easier with every day passing. It had been five months since I had last seen him, and the scars on my trampled heart started to heal. Lillian had moved in with me, putting her plans to go to Colombia and work and travel there aside just for me. I had tried to talk her out of it, tried to still make her go, but she insisted on staying with me and help me through the pregnancy. As my best friend she thought it was her job after what he had done to me.

I would never complain. Although I felt a bit of a burden to her, she said I wasn't at all and sometimes I secretly loved that she was around. Whenever I was too tired, or too grumpy, or too emotional to get anything in the house done, she would be there. She would make sure I wasn't tiring myself out and made me rest on time. My parents were a real support to, after the shock of me telling them that I was pregnant. Lillian had been with us then too, holding my hand and wiping my tears away, sometimes filling in the story about me and him when it got too much for me.

I was glad that my shift had ended and I could go home, and I waddled to my car, puffing a bit when I opened the door and plopped down in the driver's seat. It was hot in the car, too hot, and I made a mental note to finally ask my dad to fix my airco. I put the keys in the contact and drove out of my parking spot, windows down and enjoying the breeze on my face.

It didn't take that long before I got home and as I parked the car it softly bumped the curb, making the broken lock of the dashboard pop open and spill out everything that was in there. I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, counting to ten to keep myself from getting annoyed. As I leaned over to pick up the things that fell out and put them back my eyes caught sight of the cd at the bottom of the pile. My heart stopped for a moment when I realized it was Of Mice And Men's first and only album, although maybe now they could already have a second one out. I didn't know, I stopped following every trail of the band and him when we were over.

I bit my lip and picked up the cd, staring at it. Oh, how many times I had listened to these songs... Austin had even signed the cover for me.

'Save this, it might be worth something when I am famous ;) xo AC' I sighed again, flipping the cd over and over in my hands, contemplating what to do with it. I could throw it away. I could toss it off my balcony and watch it break in a hundred pieces, just like my heart. I could put it on the ground and drive my car over it, over and over again, damaging it more every single time, just like he had done to me.

But instead I put it in my bag and got out, slowly making my way up to my apartment. I was huffing when I was on my floor and opened the door, throwing my bag down and kicking off my shoes. I took the cd out and walked up to the cd-player in the corner of my living room. I didn't even know why I did it, but suddenly I just longed to hear his voice. It felt like I needed to hear him again just to make sure I had made the right choice by banning him out of my life while I was having his baby, but as soon as I hit play and Jaxin's clean voice got replaced by Austin's scream, his sound hit me like a blade in my chest and I had to grip the back of the couch to keep myself up. Shaking, I sank down and stared ahead of myself, letting the songs wash over me.