Glitches in My Code

Well of everything

I curl in on myself, wrapping my arms around my knees, sobs wracking my body. I shake with the energy of my sobs, pierced with the occasional scream. I listen as the scream echoes through the forest, listen as the fallen leaves under me crunch with every movement I make in this barren forest. I scream again, surprised at how much better it makes me feel, but this time, it doesn't stop.

The screams, the pain, they flow out of me like a river. Every breath is a bucket lowered into the well that lives in my mind, containing everything I don't like about myself, everything I hate and despise, all of my fears, all of my pain and anger. When I exhale, when I scream, that bucket gets poured out onto the ground, and those feelings get released. The only thing about this well is that it has no bottom. There is no end, or at least it feels that way.

As I scream, I wonder about why. Why am I the person with all of this... All of this pain and loneliness and anxiety and fear. Why me? My life is great in every aspect other than my mind. My family is nothing but awesome, I'm doing great in school, I'm fit and kinda have friends, but I'm still an absolute mess inside. Nobody but me knows though... I've seen to that. I can't accept pity, much less encourage it towards myself by showing the cracks. I've got to stay strong on the outside, even if I'm completely shattered inside. I've only ever shown a fraction of a fraction of the true damage, and that ended in... Well, it ended in more damage. But only to me. You should see the other guy. Perfectly fine. No cracks, no splinters. No damage whatsoever. Same goes for the rest of them. But, who knows, maybe that's just as much of a facade as my non-twisted joy.

The screams, they just keep coming. They don't stop, no matter how hard I try to close my vocal cords, or even just move my lips in any direction but out. I can't stop. I want to stop. I want it to end. The pain, the fear, everything wrong with me. I would include everything wrong with my life, but that list is one point long, and it looks something like this:

Things wrong with my life                                                                                                                                           -Me

And that's it. That's as far as the list goes, and no matter how hard I try or how long I think, I can't find anything to make it any longer. I'm the only thing wrong in my life. I know multiple people that would argue otherwise, but I have evidence against them, and against me. That evidence is my mind, my heart, and my instincts. My mind tells me not to trust, so I don't. My heart tells me not to love, so I've stopped. My instincts tell me to be ready, to be prepared to flee at any moment, so I am.

I'm still screaming... I notice, trying once more to close my mouth, and, again, failing.

On the outside, I'm calm and collected, polite and fearless. Inside, I'm the complete opposite. I'm terrified and rude, cowardly and in pieces. Why is it that I never show this to the rest of the world? Fear. Why is it that I'm like this in the first place? Fear. Why have I only shown a part of it once, and the entirety never? Fear. What rules my mind? Take a guess. Fear.

I'm unshakeable on the outside because I've managed to screw myself up so badly that there's nothing left to shake. I can't be broken because I'm shattered. I can't be scared because I'm constantly afraid and on edge. I can't be put on edge because I'm always prepared to run.

As I mull these things over, screams still fleeing my lips, I glance upwards. My teacher stands at the front of the room, slides on the board.