QueerClan

Episode Twenty-four

Gayday, Straightfur, Arosparrow, and Dawn sit in front of Rainbowstar, who has not spoken for several minutes. Dawn is fidgeting uncomfortably, and Gayday is muttering something about hypnosis.

Rainbowstar: So, you want to join QueerClan. Tell me, Dawn, what do you identify as?

Dawn: *meets Rainbowstar's gaze, unflinching* I'm non binary. I use the pronouns they/them.

There are a few more moments of silence, until a wide grin stretches across Rainbowstar's face.

Rainbowstar: Wonderful! I think we'll get along just fine. But before you join, I need you to answer one very important question. *Rainbowstar leans in, eyes narrowed* You see that beautiful, amazing she-cat over there? *she points to Polyholly*

Polyholly: Uh, Rainbowstar, I can see where this is going, and I really don't think this is -

Rainbowstar: Shh, this is important. Very important. The most important important thing to ever be important. Now, Dawn, tell me. Who is a cuter couple: me and Polyholly or Lesbianfin and Polyholly?

Dawn looks awkwardly between the three she-cats, unsure about how to respond.

Dawn: Uh, you and Polyholly?

Arosparrow: *to Straightfur* Oh no, I was afraid they would say that. Do you know what comes next?

Straightfur: Er, no. Should I?

Before anyone can answer the tom, Rainbowstar stands up and takes a deep breath.

Rainbowstar: Then in that case . . . LET THE QUEER TRIALS BEGIN!

Dawn: Excuse me, what are the Queer Trials? You told me that I just had to answer a few questions.

Bi-sky: The Queer Trials are a series of three tests, each one designed to test your queerness.

Lesbianfin: Rainbowstar only invokes it when a cat answers "wrong" and says that she and Polyholly are cuter together than me and Polyholly

Rainbowstar: IT IS WRONG - ahem, anyways, as I was saying:
Three trials, made for you
Just be queer, and answer true
If you are honest and have no shame
Then you shall earn your warrior name

Gayday: Wait, Rainbowstar's a poet? Why didn't we know about this?

Queerdeer: She mostly just writes sonnets about Polyholly and Lesbianfin. Be glad that she doesn't do this for every ceremony

Rainbowstar looks towards an imaginary camera, motioning with her tail to the clan.

Rainbowstar: Welcome to the Queer Trials! I'm your host, Rainbowstar! Now, let's welcome our first judge, Flagswag! Flagswag, what's your trial?

Flagswag: Do I have to do this? I think we should just let them in. They seem like a good addition to the clan -

Rainbowstar: *ignoring her statement* Flagswag, what's your trial?

Flagswag: Fine, flag identification. Just tell me what each flag I turn into is.

Flagswag proceeds to rapidly switch between flags, some of which aren't even pride flags. But Dawn identifies them all, and completes the trial.

Rainbowstar: Now, let's welcome our second judge, my very own deputy, Fluidstream! Fluidstream, what's your trial?

Fluidstream: To hunt and catch three mice.

Pansand: Wait, really? But that's - that's not - well, it's not queer

Fluidstream: I know it's not queer, but seeing as we've only ever caught two pieces of prey, I think a good hunter is what we need.

Pansand: *blinks a few times, confused and surprised* Wow, I've never even thought about that. Hold on, then where does all of our -

Transpants: *slaps tail across the imposing tom's mouth* Don't go there. I don't want to have to rebuild the wall again.

Dawn: *has already come back with three mice* I have no clue what you're talking about, but I'd already caught these when your patrol found me.

Rainbowstar: Ah, yes, just add them to the pile. Now, our final judge, Aceface! Aceface, what is your trial?

Aceface: *whispers to Gayday for a few seconds, then turns back to Rainbowstar and Dawn* I have decided! Your final test will be to make Straightfur come out as gay!

Straightfur: She can't do that, right? Right?

Rainbowstar: *flipping through a rainbow booklet* I'm not seeing anything in the rulebook against it. It appears she can

Dawn: Okay then. Straightfur, would you say that you are lighthearted and carefree?

Straightfur: Yeah, I guess

Dawn: Then according to the second definition of "gay" as an adjective, Straightfur is gay

Gayday: Darn it! Uh, I mean, congratulations Dawn?

Rainbowstar: Yes, congratulations! We welcome you as a member of QueerClan, and give you your warrior name. From this moment forward, you will be known as Nondawn!

Written by Mack

Edited by Solstice