brave//5SOS

12

Emily

I didn't believe it.

I wanted to scream, cry, shout and blame myself, but I was too numb to do it. There was a giant war in my body but I couldn't express it. Everything was strange to me and I was scared.

Once everyone was finished eating, I stood up and got their plates.

"Oh, Emily it's alright. It's my turn to wash up tonight," Luke said.

"You can have a break,"

"I don't think I'm the one who needs a break am I?"

That brought me tumbling back to reality. I don't know why the emotions had hit so suddenly and I didn't want to cry.

"I don't feel too well,"

"What will make it better?" Michael asked quietly.

"I want Luke,"

Calum got up and took the plates from Luke, letting him come over. I went upstairs and he followed.

"I can't properly let out what I'm feeling and it's frustrating," I shouted, gripping the duvet tightly.

"It's completely normal, Emily,"

"She isn't supposed to be gone yet. I was supposed to still have two more weeks at least and I wasn't ready to say goodbye," I said, tears burning my eyes. My throat felt tight and everything became a blur.

Grief was a strange thing, and it did strange things to me. Every second of my day was filled with thoughts of mum. Every moment of my night was how Jack had told me, and made me so unwanted.

Ever since mum had been in hospital, he'd been so horrible, and I had been waiting for the inevitable where I'd be left with only him.

The inevitable came, and now I was crushed. I didn't want to do anything. I was merely existing.

Breakfast every morning. Go to Ashton's room all day. Refuse to eat lunch. Drag myself down for tea. Go to bed.

It was like that for the whole week. A blur that I couldn't understand. The boys were nothing but supportive and Ashton was able to help me a lot, but that didn't change the fact that she was gone.

I didn't cry every time I thought about her. I didn't feel anything. There wasn't much left I wanted to say; I was pretty silent.

And today was her funeral.

"Emily, you need to eat,"

"I'm not ready for this Ashton,"

"You don't have to go,"

"No. I do, I'll be fine,"

He looked at me sympathetically and waited patiently for me to finish. Everyone came downstairs and we all left, no one forcing me to do anything. Calum took my hand as we walked in.

The crowd of people stared at me, most of them smiling sadly. My brother stood the other side, glaring.

I noticed the photo they'd chosen was mum and I. My wig had been put on badly, but I remember being so excited because I finally had hair again. I refused to let anyone help me and mum and I went out for lunch. Someone else had taken the photo for us.

She was the sun and candlelight of my life.

"Who chose that photo?" I gulped, choking back the tears.

"Luke did, you're alright hun, just breathe,"

Michael came and stood next to me, holding my other hand. I quickly found out why.