brave//5SOS

23

Emily

"I assume the left side of your mouth is sore," Luke sighed, moving the light over my face. I squinted, rubbing my eyes as it pierced them.

"My whole mouth hurts Luke, I don't want you to look,"

"I know hun, I'll be super careful. In fact... this mouthwash can numb your mouth for a bit," he said, pulling a bottle out the cupboard.

I swished it round my mouth, spitting it out sooner than I should've because it stung, then layed back down.

As much as I loved Luke , I despised this chair.

"I'm gonna clean your teeth for you, then floss and sort out whatever needs doing yeah? Try not to stop me unless it's really hurting because it's getting late love, ok?"

My chemo has given me lots of ulcers, which made it hurt to brush; therefore I'd left it alone. I thought the pain would go, but it just got worse.

He pulled my cheek back, catching an ulcer before gently poking my tooth. I hissed in pain, my eyes welling up as he put his hands up.

"I'm sorry, sorry... I'll sort this out as quick as possible,"

There was a lot of tension in the room and it was something completely new for us. The air was thick with it.

"Alright, I want you to close your eyes tightly. You can hold my knee or the arm of the chair, but don't knock my hand because it will hurt you," he instructed, making me immediately close my eyes.

I held his knee tightly, trying not to make a noise as he numbed it. Since I'd left it so long, it was pure agony- I couldn't help but whimper.

"All you have to do now is lay there, ok? Keep taking deep breaths for me,"

He started brushing my teeth, this time being wary of the ulcers. Suddenly I felt really vulnerable, and emotional, reaching up to his wrist.

"You're ok, I know it's hard and you're sick, but I promise you're ok," he said when I groaned, trying to stop myself  crying.

Wearing thin of patience, I let Luke floss my teeth. It was so uncomfortable, and I just wanted to leave. Feeling like this freaked me out so much, because usually I could deal with it. Usually Luke kept me calm.

"Are you doing ok?"

I nodded and closed my eyes.

Despite the numbing, everything still felt sore and it was hard to keep breathing.

I heard the door click, someone walking in a sitting beside me.

I could tell it was Ashton because Luke immediately became more calm. He was more confident with what he was doing, giving me a shot to make sure I was numb.

It felt like I'd been here for hours.

I reached my hand out and Ashton took it, rubbing small circles while he waited patiently. I appreciated the fact he came here, knowing I'd be scared.

I could feel everything Luke did, making me cringe. Ashton squeezed my hand tightly and tilted my head back when I tried to move. I whined and shut my mouth.

"No, come on Emily, we are almost done," Luke said firmly, wiping a tear under my eye.

Despite my crying, I opened my mouth again and let him carry on. This would be important, and it didn't hurt so I tried to calm down. However, I was starting to struggle by the time Michael and Calum walked in.

"Hey, we are almost done but she's getting a bit distressed," Luke said calmly, wiping my mouth and tickling my chin playfully.

Calum sat on Sierra's chair behind me, holding my shoulder while Michael held my other hand.

"Do you need any more numbing? I know it's hard to stop but your crying is making this very difficult sweetheart- I'm on my own,"

I shook my head and tried to pull my hand from Ashton's grip so that Luke would give me a break, but everyone wanted this to be over.

So we had to carry on.

To me, it was a blur. Literally, because I couldn't see through the tears, but also because I didn't understand what was happening. All I heard was my sobbing, and I got overwhelmed by how many people were around me.

Luke carefully rested his hand under my chin, cupping it with his hand.

"You're all done, brush your teeth with this kids brush because its smaller, and if you really can't, use this mouthwash. That probably won't happen again if you do that," he said, brushing his thumb back and forth on my chin. Ashton wiped my tears, and they sat the chair up.

My numbing was wearing off, and my mouth seemed to hurt ten times worse.

"Can't I just go home tonight?" I said, cringing at the thought of the hospital bed.

"I'm sorry Emily, it will get easier," Ashton said quietly, standing up and hugging me.

But it did nothing.

I felt so numb and hurt inside that I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be truly happy.

That's all I could think on the way back to my room.

I didn't know what to smile about. I didn't know what to strive for. I didn't know why to laugh, or enjoy things. I didn't know why to fight.

Ashton dropped me off but as soon as it was clear, I headed to wherever my mind took me. Surprisingly, it took me to Michael's office.

"Emily? You're supposed to be in bed,"

I fell down next to him on the sofa and bawled my eyes out. Everything was too much. I wanted to go home- home to mum. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to not have needles stuck into me, then throw up for days.

Why couldn't it stop?

Michael said nothing, but nothing needed to be said. He just held me.

"I want my mum, I want her back. I'm so empty and alone. I can't do this anymore Michael, I-can't-do-this,"

He held my head to his chest, letting me cry. Sometimes, you just need someone who will let you cry.

Calum came in, stopping abruptly when he saw us, before stepping back out.

"Your mum is watching over you Emily, she knows that you can fight this with everyone surrounding you. A hug from her is all you want, and I know how hard it is that you can't have it, but I will tell you however many times you need to be told. You can do this," he whispered to me, kissing my cheek.

Everyone else appeared at the doorway, sighing from relief. Luke came behind me, pulling me away from Michael and standing me up. Tears blurred my vision and they led me back to my room.

But I'd rather be anywhere else.