brave//5SOS

32

Emily
4 days later

Living with the boys proved to be quite fun and although I still missed everyone, it was becoming bearable.

Most things nowadays were just bearable.

Tomorrow, I was having the fluid drained before starting my last round of chemo, since the immunotherapy medicine wasn't ready yet.

"Emily, are you ready?" Liam called, making me grab my water bottle.

We were going to the gym together -with Niall- to try and strengthen my body back up. For now it was just walking on the treadmill which was hard enough for me.

I got in the car with them, struggling to do my seatbelt up.

"Why are you shaking?" Niall asked, squeezing my hand quickly before starting to drive.

"Everyone's gonna stare at me. I have no hair and I'm just walking on a treadmill, which will no doubt make me struggle to breath," I mumbled.

"Let them stare. Don't allow a stranger you see at the gym have this much of an effect on you hun, you're beautiful,"

I shrugged and looked out the window, watching everyone shopping. For the past year, I hadn't really gone out anywhere other than the hospital. I was either there to see mum, or there for myself.

We parked up and climbed out, hit by the cold air. At home, it would be coming up to summer and it completely threw me off. Niall wrapped his arm round me, trying my make me walk as fast as possible.

"You go between us, how fast are we feeling today?" Liam said, slotting my water bottle into the holder and letting me climb on.

"Just... normal, please,"

He set it up and I plugged my headphones in, starting to walk. They were both running beside me and I was envious. I'd never be able to do that.

Less than 10 minutes in, I couldn't do any more. Niall brought himself down to a walk, looking at me.

"That was good, you've never done it that long on that speed before without stopping ," he said, smiling.

"It... wasn't,"- "deep breaths,"

I nodded and closed my eyes, catching my breath. Liam also slowed down, turning both the treadmills off.

"It wasn't that fast," I continued, looking at Niall.

A couple of girls walked past us, laughing and staring at me. That's why I didn't go in public. What else would we be looking at?

"It might not be fast for us, but that's a massive improvement from when you arrived. You couldn't even walk properly on your own," Niall said, giving me my water.

All I could think about were those girls. I already felt like a joke, like I was being pathetic, and now I felt even more paranoid.

"Remember, ignore them," Liam said softly, taking my hand. They were still staring at me.

"Do you think you can stay here for a bit while we carry on? You can sit on the bench by the weights," Niall asked, smiling when I agreed. My legs felt like jelly and I had to use Liam's arm to hold me up.

I slid a beanie over my head, embarrassed.

My phone buzzed and I saw a snapchat from Tom- they'd all gone bowling.

Sometimes I couldn't help but think I held them all back. None of this happened while I was there. Maybe I should've just lived with my brother to make it easier.

However, I wouldn't have been able to have this treatment and Ashton would get mad if he ever heard me say that.

"You have half an hour until there's no more eating for you, can you handle a sandwich?" Niall asked, pulling me to my feet. My appetite had been a mess lately and it really wasn't helping anyone.

Then again, who was I trying to help?

The cold air was a relief compared to the stuffy gym.

We got in the car and I slammed the door, anger catching up on me. I hit the chair, finding myself repeating the action until I was pulled away. That's the only thing I had the energy to do.

"Hey, deep breaths Emily," Niall said, holding my hands to my chest.

"Release all the tension on your body, I can see it," Louis said sadly, gently pushing my shoulders down.

I relaxed my fists. I stopped clenching my jaw. But the anger was still bubbling inside of me.

The car ride home was silent and I jumped in the shower when we got back, avoiding everyone. One pro of having no hair was that after a shower, you don't have to dry and style it.

I was pretty worn out as I laid in my bed, twisting at a random loose thread. Sometimes I didn't see the point in trying.

Ashton had always told me the medicine was going to make me feel better but by the end of my second cancer, I'd lost all hope.

I felt like I'd lost everything.

"Can I come in?" Louis said, making me jump. I sent a small thumbs up but didn't move.

"I know you feel pretty rubbish right now but you need to eat this in the next five minutes. Probably should've done that before your shower," he chuckled, handing me a sandwich. I sat up and took it, eating it as fast as I needed to.

Once I was done, I laid down again. He put the plate to the side and slid under the covers, wrapping his arm round my waist. I jumped, not expecting him to touch me, then gave up and relaxed into his hold.

I needed reassurance that someone was there.

"Now what was that all about earlier?"

"It doesn't matter, I just felt stupid and angry about this all- please don't push,"

He nodded and rubbed my back gently.

"Am I stopping you guys? Everyone at home went bowling today and we couldn't do that when I was there," I mumbled, closing my eyes.

"No,Emily, don't think that. I know that's what it looks like but they're trying to get Tom's mind off everything. He held a strong face for you but not so much for everyone else,"

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, feeling a pang in my heart.

"I need to call him. I've been so selfish," I muttered, trying to get out his grip.

"Hey, hey, he's ok Emily. The first few days were rough but just like you, he's coming to terms with it. This is such a scary time for you Emily and I don't think you've been anything near selfish," he said softly, letting me have my own room again.

"Sorry... hugs sometimes make me feel really trapped," I sighed, trying to focus on something else.

"That was my fault, I knew that,"

I reached for his hand, which he held, and took a deep breath. I felt uncomfortable for no reason and again, I just wanted to go home.

I just wanted to go home.