Protect My Heart

Chapter 20

Clover

He wasn't in our home when I awoke the next morning. I wore a scarf to hide the markings. He must've left very early as I dropped Mia off at playschool. Normally, kids wouldn't start playschool at her age, but the faculty made an exception. Mia was a brilliant child. Besides, they also liked me reading out to the kids. I'd grown rather fond of it, too, as it occupied those boring afternoons.

But was it something I saw in my future as a career? Sure, I enjoyed discussing something to a group of people, but was that books? Or could there be something else for me?

When I visited Elisa in the afternoon, she asked about the scarf, but I shut her down. Scarfs were in fashion. For some reason, I dreaded telling her the truth, dreaded telling anyone the truth. What went on in our bedroom was no one's business but mine and Logan's. If people were to find out what went down behind locked doors, would they be as understanding? The belt thing, people surely wouldn't understand. They'd call me crazy for being into that stuff; in fact, being into all the stuff Logan and I did.

There are the common norms of sex, and there are the uncommon. What defines the two? Is there something really as a 'sex norm'? Sure, people have different fetishes, but where do they draw the line? Does our past define our sex life? The experts sure say so.

If so, then I was Clover, and I was into a bit of choking, being silenced and held down throughout the act of sex. I liked to hear filthy words in my ear. Sometimes I liked my husband to whip my ass and choke me with that very same belt, then call me a 'good girl'. I also enjoyed variations of submission, roleplay, and overstimulation. But did any of that make me crazy? No.

Unless I flat out went to a trauma group therapy and admitted my desires? How many people would speak with me? Or would I be kicked out in the middle of the session?

Elisa showed me a gorgeous dark green sequin dress with a split thigh. She urged me to try it on, but I kept the scarf. My friend sat back in awe, clapping her hands, and telling me to twirl around. With a final note and choking through tears, she told me to keep it. Said there'd be multiple designs.

"El, I can't possibly –"

"No, you deserve it. You look smoking hot. But you're only getting it if you pose for me." I did so. During the photoshoot, she tugged off the scarf, smirking that she knew how to blur out the marks. I blushed as she said it. All this time she'd known but hadn't said a word. Luckily, my relationship secrets weren't shed bad light. She sent the photos to our friend group chat which received appreciative compliments.

Everything went well until Elisa mentioned Jake. I couldn't take it anymore. Letting someone innocent go to jail wasn't in my radar. I'd witnessed plenty of bad people waltz freely, so what right did it serve to have Jake in prison for crimes he hadn't committed? Yes, he behaved crudely towards me at school, but he wasn't a murderer. Yes, he should've served time for what he did to me, but this charge wasn't it.

So I conducted a plan to visit him in prison. Elisa thought me to be out of my mind and advised against it. But after everything that had happened lately, I deserved a break from my silly personal life. Perhaps I could help Jake, somehow.

Or maybe I thought that if I solved this, some sort of burden would be eased off Logan's shoulders. Three years ago, I couldn't help him with the case, but it could help now. I thought that if I cured this for him, I'd cure everything. It would be easier if life worked this way.

For nights, I'd sit with him while he contemplated over the case. He was torn apart and used me for comfort. At one point, I wondered if this was why he left, that he couldn't handle this burden no more.