Protect My Heart

Chapter 2

CLOVER

"I slept next to him for six years straight. He loved cuddling, so you can imagine my surprise when it hit me this morning that he wasn't there again. It doesn't even feel like grief anymore. It feels like I am reliving the worst days of my life. And he was there for me on those worst days, so now I can't handle them alone."

"You miss the feeling of someone sleeping next to you. Does that have to do with your nightmares?"

"The nightmares stopped in the first year we were together. I slept like a damn baby. He knew just the right words to say also. But now with the past year, they've come back, but not in the same form as before. I hardly think of that part of my life anymore."

"What are the nightmares about now?"

"Loss." I pushed my braid behind one shoulder. "Rejection. They're mostly of him and how he's telling me I'm not fit for him. Or they're of him walking away without a word."

"Do you think the 'him telling you you're not fit for him' is you projecting your own insecurities in those nightmares? Is this you reflecting the fear you have being a single mother?" Margaret asked.

"Maybe." I licked my lips, hating the dryness of them. "I didn't feel insecure when I was with him."

"I'm not talking about him right now. We're not talking about him. I want to dwell into the reasons for your nightmares."

Groaning, I shook my head. "I don't know, okay? I don't know the reasons."

"Hmm..." Margaret glimpsed at her notes. "You don't have a job still, right? You haven't had a job since you were twenty-two. And neither did you attend college."

"What's the point of that?"

"I'm saying that you're a twenty-seven-year-old woman whose only accomplishment has been giving birth."

My mouth popped open at her remark. It sliced deep. Like a killer in a murder show, slicing his victim's throat.

"Do you think your fears stem from those insecurities? Are you ashamed of not attending college? Are you ashamed of not holding a job?"

"I... ah." My heart turned to stone at her questions. "Maybe a bit. I guess I just didn't find a passion in life."

"You say that as though your time's run out."

I shrugged. God, I needed to get out of there. This poking into my personal life had me in a chokehold. I would've gladly talked about Logan, Mason, anyone, but just not myself and my passions. "Where are you going with this?"

"I want to know more about you. I realized this in our last session that you don't disclose anything other than him. You don't disclose any information about yourself. Why's that?"

"God, what's the need? I'm here to talk about my goddamn grief and not any of my passions!"

"What are your passions, Clover?"

I stopped speaking, my leg jumping up and down. The question struck me as odd. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Everyone has something they're passionate about. Tell me about you. What drives you? Is it a book, a blank canvas, a sport? What are you interested in? What are your hobbies?"

I wrapped my cardigan tighter around me. The flickering image of Logan almost brought me to my knees again. I thought of mentioning him as my interest, but that would've made me sound crazy.

Suddenly, the office seemed too tight. I regretted even going there.

Margaret nodded and scribbled something in her notebook. "What did Logan think about your life choices? Didn't he ever ask why you didn't pick up a hobby?"