Protect My Heart

Chapter 21

Clover

My fingers fidgeted with the product, inspecting it. Uneasily, I walked up to the counter and asked the pharmacist whether they have a restroom. I got the answer 'no' for that. I'd have to go through this at home, then, with a sick stomach. The nice lady pitied me as she scanned the barcode and said the price. I paid with a stiff smile.

The closer I reached home, the further I was overwhelmed with the need to vomit. I headed straight to the bathroom. Three years ago, Elisa consoled me as we sat together, but not this time. This time I had to face the issue on my own. It was my mistake, anyway.

My bad habits.

One minute.

One minute thirty-five seconds.

With a pale face, I observed the result, burying my face in my hands.

If only I hadn't been so stupid.

Yet another problem for us to face, for me to face.

But I had already made up my choice. It was now or never. This just gave me the courage.

Riding the elevator up to his flat, my fingers trembled. They even trembled as I knocked on the door. Logan opened the door, almost frantically, then frowned at the sight of me. Not giving him a proper answer, I pushed past him, straight to the wolf's den.

"Clo, I got that picture of you in that dress. I have to be honest that it got me hard. But you looked beautiful. Beautiful enough to..."

The rest of his words faded away. The leading of that conversation was what got us into this in the first place.

Sighing, I sat on the couch, gripping my knees.

"Hey, what's up with you?" He came up in front of me, grabbing my hands. "Did something happen? Talk to me, Clo."

"It's my fault, Logan," I whispered, my legs shaking. "I lost track with everything that's been going on. The pills slipped my mind."

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline when I put the pregnancy test in his hand. "You're..."

"We're pregnant." We, not me. It always has to be a 'we'. "When you left, I didn't think I was going to be with anyone. I knew I couldn't be with anyone, so I got off the pill. It was messing with my hormones, anyway. And when you came back, I'd forgotten about it. One night, I remembered, but then I forgot again. I haven't been on the pill in nearly three years, and we haven't really been using protection."

My confession had him jerking his hands away. He paced the room for several minutes.

Closing my eyes to not see his reaction, I started again, "I love you, Logan, but you can't be a part of this child's life."

His pacing halted. It halted so fast that I thought he'd had a heart attack.

"After what happened with Mia, I can't take it. I can't take you leaving again. Maybe you're not ready to be a dad. I can raise this baby on my own. You can still be a dad to Mia, that's never going to change, but this baby is mine. You may have helped create it, but I can't let you be its father. I can't let you..."

My voice shattered at the end.

He wasn't saying anything either, but I heard him crouch down in front of me. He cupped my cheeks, pressing our foreheads together. I sobbed harder, clutching his hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm trying to be strong, but I... this child deserves a dad who stays. I won't mention you to it, I promise, but you're not its dad. You're a good dad to Mia, but after what I saw her go through, I need to do the right thing this time. I have to not be selfish. You have to understand..."