One Of The Shadows

Miss Him

   After the kitchen was clear of smoke I told Grayem and Aiko that I was heading out. They didn't seem to hear me. I left the house and wandered in the forest for a while, feeling much more calm. The trees swayed slightly and the leaves rustled. The ground was covered in leaves that crunched under my feet. When the wind hit me I would wrap my jacket tighter around me. Along the way I stopped and sat down on top of a log and just breathed deeply.

   "Jesus christ," I ran my hands through my hair as tears sprung to my eyes.

   Nicandro Smith. My best friend. Someone I cared so deeply about, taken from the world. He didn't deserve it. He should've lived, it should have been that had died. If he was alive the world would be better. It would be a better place, happier, the world would actually feel right. His smile was amazing. It would make me feel better, happier. His eyes had a certain sparkle that was irresistible. The beautiful amber colour that had mesmerised me. His messy dark blonde hair that told anyone he didn't care about it. His jawline, arms, even nose seemed so perfect. His shoulders just the right size, not too big or too small. How he towered over me in a non-threatening way. He was amazing the way he fought, the way he cared about me... He was too good to be true and then he was suddenly taken from the world. From his friends and family. From me.

   I let out a scream as the tears spilled over. My eyes were stinging and I couldn't breath through my nose anymore, my lungs struggled with the ragged breaths I took. My stomach clenched and I quickly stood up and leaned over, vomiting onto the ground in front of me. I pulled my hair back and let out my insides a bit more.

   I stumbled away from my mess, still crying and finding it hard to breath.

   Maybe it was good that Nicandro had died. That he wasn't coming back. He would be so disappointed in me. He would hate to see me like this, he would leave me, abandon me.

   I screamed again and fell to my knees. I pulled at my hair and scratched at my crawling skin. My clothes felt wrong against my skin. My hair felt wrong on my head. My skin felt wrong and ugly. My whole being felt wrong. 

   Nicandro was too good for me, I knew that. But he had deserved to live. He deserved everything. I would gladly give my life for him to live. I wouldn't hesitate to be tortured, just for him to be happy.

I curled up on the ground and cried some more. I hoped Grayem wouldn't come to try and find me. I didn't want anyone to try to find me ever again, because it seemed like everyone who helped me would die. Nicandro had been taken from me. Someone I connected to too easily for my own good. Lorcan, stolen from Arlen before they even had a chance to love one another. Balendin, who never got to find his mate. Who searched his whole life for his one true love, but never found it. Rafael lived, Valdemar lived, Maxfield lived, there were people who lived, so why did I focus on the death that had happened?

   "I'm so sorry," I sobbed. "I'm so sorry Nicandro. I'm so sorry for killing you, you deserved to live. I'm so so so sorry Lorcan. I'm sorry Arlen. I'm sorry Balendin. You all died because of me..."

   I felt horrible. So many people ha died, but the only one who I seemed to think about was Nicandro. And I was far too willing to kill hundreds just to bring him back to life.

   I stood up on shaky legs, feeling a buzzing in my hands. A kind of energy. It felt hot, but not something that would cause me pain. It felt like electricity running through me. I looked down at my hands.