How to lose Hazza in 10 days || h.s. [english]

➳ Day #0 * the day our end begins

➳ Day #0 * the day our end begins

// How counting from zero to ten can be the count towards the end //

Eleven months ago the nightmare started. The last few months I wasn't my normal self; my energy got lost. I was always tired. Apathetic. I had several little pains. Mom was worried. I wasn’t yet… Because truthfully, each 18-year old is feeling bad sometimes. No? Okay, it was like this for a while, but so what.

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I keep staring at the man who stood in front of me. Eleven days, then I had to go. Eleven days?! What could I possible do with freaking eleven days…

I look at my watch and see it’s already late. A tear leaves a wet trail on my cheek. Mom wants to hug me, but I block her. She looks away, I can clearly see the pain in her eyes. But I know she understands me. No, right now she doesn't. But I know she will eventually. It hurts me to see myself hurting her. But I couldn't accept her pity, I just couldn't hug her right now. First I need to handle it myself. I need to put everything in perspective.

Ten days. I had ten days left. Ten days to tell him.

Swallowed in thoughts, I run my hand through my blonde locks. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, non-stop. But I ignore them.

Ten days. I had ten days to tell him my secret. Ten days to tell my true love I was lying to him for half a year. From the day I met him really.

I could have kicked myself. I wish I had kept my plan; to never fall in love again. I was right though; this was making it all much more difficult than it already was.

I shake my head. I can't think this way. He keeps me alive. If it wasn't for him, I would have gave up already – although the little voice inside of me did not agree.

Me and my mother left the building, without thinking. I get in the car and sit in the passenger seat. The whole ride home we kept quiet. My thoughts are absorbing all energy left inside of me.

Deep down I knew it: the fight I was fighting against myself was already lost. Keeping my fate from him, had given me de power to live life the way I wanted to.

The fate-thing was there anyway, the only thing I could decide myself was how to handle it. And I choose to ignore it as long as possible. My hope was that by ignoring it, it would disappear. Unfortunately it didn't.

I didn't want to break what I had with Harry. I wanted him to remember our great times together, without them being overshadowed by the harsh truth. He wouldn't understand. Keeping it all a secret was the best I could do. For our memories. For us. For him. For me.

I knew I would not be able to handle the goodbye. His tears –I just knew they would fled if I told him– would tear me apart. I wanted to say goodbye to him in a different way. I don't want him to see me as a helpless creature, which I was really. But I didn't want his compassion.

I wanted an equal goodbye, although I was the one who'd left. There just wasn't another way... I knew he would ask questions, and I knew I could not answer them. I also knew he would be angry for my lack of explanation. But honestly? I'd rather having him mad at me because I left, than having him sad because my fate forced me to go.

I had made my mind up; thinking about it while driving home had made a lot clear to me. I had to say goodbye to him, without burdening him with my destiny. I would tell him I need to leave, and therefore need to say goodbye. But I would tell no more than that.

Most efficient would be me telling him my feelings for him were gone, evaporated into thin air. But I just couldn't. Those words would be totally the opposite of what I really felt. My love for him was more existing than ever before. That fact I couldn't deny, not even for his own good. Actually it did not even matter; he would never believe it anyway.

I had ten days. Ten days remaining for me to get rid of him. Without sealing my harsh fate by speaking it out loud.

Without sorrow for me. If he felt sorrow, it has to be because of us, not because of me. I did not want his pity. I only would accept love. My inner would accept his love. Yet I had to turn him down. He just needed to let me go! That would be best for him. And for me…

// 'Our' solution; my plan "How to lose Hazza in 10 days" //

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I'm really curious of what you guys think of this :)) Lots of love, Famke