How to lose Hazza in 10 days || h.s. [english]

➳ Day #1 * nine days to go

➳ Day #1 * nine days to go

// Every end has its own beginning //

At first I was just tired. But I didn't sleep much. So I blamed my tiredness to the lack of sleep.

I tried to sleep more. But I got even more tired. I thought I slept too much while doing too little. And I had no further questions.

--

Mixed feelings are rushing trough me, while facing him. For the first time since I met him, I feel uncomfortable being with him. He's so close, yet so far away.

A worried frown is shaped at his forehead. I look down, deciding it's safer to stare at my shoes.

We don't know each other for long, but he knows me very well. I don't mean he knows all of my secrets – if that was the case I wouldn't have had a problem. But he knew me; my reactions, and what's underneath them. He understands me, one look was enough. And that was precisely what concerned me right now.

His growing shadow tells me he has put a step closer to me. A hand under my chin is forcing me to look up. I shut my eyes – I don't want him to look into my soul, 'cause my eyes would betray me.

His soft lips touch mine. No! He can't do this. I want to push him away, but I can't.

But I want to. And I have to. I put both my hands on his chest, ready to push him away with all the power I possess.

A split second later I'm already forgotten what I wanted to do. My fingers tightly grasp the fabric of his shirt. I pull him closer to me. His lips tenderly play a sweet game with mine. The contrast of emotions rushing trough me, it's just too much for me to handle.

My sense of guilt only gets stronger, with every tender touch he gives me. Not telling him, it kills me inside. But the feeling of his lips against mine is a welcome solace. You could say I'm really selfish; I first lie to him and then I use him to make myself feel better.

Tears arise in my eyes, leaving wet trails on my cheeks.

I squeeze my eyelids tight together, trying to hold back the tears. I feel his lips let go of mine. His finger wipes a few of my tears. His other hand he lays gently on my shoulder.

"Love," he whispers, "what's wrong?"

His voice is so gentle, so understanding. As if he already knows what's wrong. But I know he doesn't. Though he may think he does so. But no matter what he expects, I know he's wrong anyway. However, he will never know that. I'm not going to tell him. Not right now. Not tomorrow. And not within the next nine days. He will find out, eventually. Probably. But it would be too late.

I shake my head. As if there's nothing wrong. His eyes give away he doesn't believe me. But he doesn't say anything about it. He knows me well enough to know pushing it doesn't pay off. If I didn't want to tell what's wrong, I wouldn't anyway. Usually I would tell it, a few hours or days later. But this time, I wouldn't. Of course he doesn't know that. Not yet.

The reason for my bitter tears he would never know – if it were me. In my head the conversation was already clear, it would go as follow.

“I have to go, I’m sorry.’

That were the words I would tell him. I would try to stay strong, on the outside. I already knew I would die inside. My own words would hurt me as much as they would hurt him. But there wasn’t another way.

His green eyes would go big. Of course, he wouldn’t understand any word of it.

“What do you mean?! Why?”

The reaction I expected from him. A mixture of despair and disbelief. But I would not be able to answer his questions.

“I just have to.”

The only stupid answer I would give him. I know he probably would get angry, me not giving him a reasonable answer. He would think I was dumping him.

In a certain way I was…

Only, the thing caused me to go.

I had no choice.

If I had a choice, I’d stay with him.

Anyway, he would stay in my heart. No matter how much he would hate me after all of this…

And yet, I still hope he saves me a spot in his heart, a spot in his memories – memories which made his life more beautiful.

// The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said //

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Hmm, what do you think? If you like it, please VOTE/COMMENT *puppyeyes* Thank you ♥ Lots of love, Famke