How to lose Hazza in 10 days || h.s. [english]

➳ Day #4 * six days to go

Day #4 * six days to go

// What you need and what's good for you, isn't exactly the same thing //

Eleven months ago, I went to the doctor – under slight duress from my mom. He was clearly concerned. The question marks in his eyes predicted little good. Misfortune seemed to sneak closer each second.

--

I admit, I need him. But that doesn't mean he's good for me. Yeah, of course he isn't bad. But me wanting to be with him is bad. Not only for me, but for him too. Especially for him.

His patience runs down, and I can't even blame him really. The indifferent tone of his voice makes my heart squeeze. The otherwise cheeky sparkling in his eyes is replaced with coldness. I'm panicking. I need him, although I'm desperately trying to push him away.

Honestly? I don't know what I want. I want him out of my life, and vice versa. Only because it's the smartest thing to do, rationally. But it would tear me apart if he would give up on us. I'm asking him the impossible: two extremes that aren't compatible, not at all.

The wall in front of me suddenly has become very interesting. His inquisitive look makes me nervous. After a few minutes, he could no longer endure the deafening silence. Luckily. His voice makes the bubble of silence burst into chaos. Chaos in our minds and in our words.

"If you don't tell, I can't help," he tries to convince me – as if he knows I'm on the edge of revealing my secret.

But I persevere.

"I can't… You can't," I mutter confused, still looking away from him.

His fingers under my chin force me to look up. His eyes meet mine. I see confusion, and little frustration.

"C'mon," he insists, "if you haven't lost your voice, you can tell."

I am hurt by his words. If it was that easy, I wouldn't have a problem telling him. Right?! I look at him angry, while disapprovingly shaking my head.

"No, I can't!" I snort.

It looks like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, again. I'm furious, furious for him minimizing everything – if everything was as easy as what he saw in his perfect life, I probably was as naïve as he is. I'm sad, angry at the world. I don't want to leave him, I don't want his unconditional love for me to stop existing. I wonder what I ever did wrong to deserve all of this…

Tears are wetting my face, non-stop. He looks at me with wide eyes, clearly shocked by my reaction. The coldness in his eyes is disappeared.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, I barely understand.

I ignore his apology. I don't need his words. I just need his arms around me. I wrap my arms around my knees, rolling up myself into a ball. Fortunately he doesn't need words to understand what I need.

I feel his strong arms around me. His pounding heartbeat is more present than most of the time. Anxiety. And yet he pushes it to the side, just because I can't have it right now, not on top of everything.

"Sshhh," he tries to calm me down.

And it seems to work. His hoarse, calm voice is like a calming song in my head. As if the sound of it makes me forget. Forget everything. Without realizing it, I slip into a deep sleep.

Perfection. His arms around me. His voice that lulls me to sleep, this time sleep without nightmares.

// The most important things are the hardest to say //

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I'm so sorry for the late update, but I was just too busy :$ I hope you guys still like this! Thank you for understanding ♥ Lots of love, Famke