How to lose Hazza in 10 days || h.s. [english]

➳ Day #10 * our last day -for now?-

Day #10 * our last day -for now?-

// Anything you can imagine, you can make real //

The inflammations have expanded. My organs were affected. Bad news, that's how doctors said it. None of them knew how long it would take for one of my organs to give up completely. One of them said six weeks, another one half a year.
Tomorrow they would start the experimental treatment. It was only tested on animals. Risky? Right. But it was my only shot to survive.

--

I close my eyes. Trying to hold back tears. But I'm not fully succeeding.
I open my eyes and see him standing in front of me, blurred through my tears. He looks away, biting his lower lip. He's fighting against tears. And I know he wouldn't keep it dry.

I take a step closer to him, closing the gap between us. Oh, what the hell. Without thinking it through, I tiptoe and take him into my arms. That's where I want him to be.
He pulls me even closer. Physically it hurts less than I anticipated. Probably I'm just numbed. By fear. The prospect to leave him, maybe never seeing him again. Not in this life.
I hide my head in his neck. His sobs are tearing me apart. I grub my fingers through his tousled curls and inhale his scent – now I still can.

"Our love will last," he whispers in my ear, "I promise."
Beautiful words. I know he means what he's saying. Knowing that, makes me much more emotional – if that's even possible. I don't allow myself to cry. I grab his curls slightly tighter, without me realizing it. As soon as I notice, I let go.
"Sorry," I mumble.

He relaxes his arms and pushes me back a bit, so he can look at me. And here we are, both in tears.
My hand grabs his shirt, so I can pull him a little closer again. I tiptoe and plant my lips on his.

He tenderly answers my kiss. He's so careful, probably thinking I would fall apart if he doesn't. But I insist. I want to feel him. Really feel him. I want a kiss like the ones we had before. I want to remember us like we always were; impulsive and passionate. Prudence wasn't 'us', and therefore he couldn't remember us that way. I just don't want to.

Luckily he listens to me. We lose ourselves in a kiss that would be worth remembering. I don't want to stop this kiss, 'cause it would feel like stopping 'us'. We'll never admit, but we both know that was what's happening; our goodbye. It's the most emotional kiss I ever experienced, but we can't keep avoiding stopping this kiss. We both gasp, breaking our hug.

"I'm gonna miss you," I whisper.
He nods, not saying a thing. But I know he's gonna miss me too. He just refuses to speak it out loud. It sounds so… Permanently? He turns around for a second, then pressing something into my hands.
"If you ever need a hug," he begins hesitantly, "just close your eyes and give him a hug."
I take a look at the cute panda-teddy I have in my hands. I smile. I love pandas, he knows that.
"I will feel it, and I will hug you back," he continues.

I feel tears arising, again. What did I do to deserve such a perfect boyfriend. He always knows the right thing to say. I'm so lucky. But why do I need to leave him if everything feels this perfect? I feel helpless.
Oh damn. I don't have anything for him. I just didn't thought about it. But I know he wouldn't blame me for that. I wouldn't be able to wrap up what he really wants anyway. The only thing he wants is me returning. And I'll try my best to give him that. Not only for him, but for me too.

I give him a quick hug. I just have to go, he knows it.
"Don't forget," I whisper, "I love you."
We let go, our hands still intertwined. We don't want to be apart. The distance between our bodies increases, but his hand still holds mine. In my other hand: the panda. With tears in my eyes, I turn around and pull my hand away.

// Faith is stronger than so-called reason //

--

And then I left. Hoping for the best. Hoping he was right.
Our love would last. He promised.
But would I last?
His trust in our love. The main thing that keeps me alive right now.
And I trust him.
Lets pray he never will let go of his promise.
Will you, please?

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Next weekend I will post the last part, the epilogue :) I hope you guys still like this :$ Lots of love, Famke