How to lose Hazza in 10 days || h.s. [english]

➳ Day #6 * four days to go

Day #6 * four days to go

// Knowing when to walk away, is wisdom. Being able to, is courage. Doing so, is acting like a coward //

They could not find what was wrong with me. They patched me up; medication to suppress the symptoms. And at the same time they kept doing research. But no matter how hard they searched, they couldn't find the cause.

--

I need to say: running away isn't as easy as it seems. A day ago I left, I left him in ignorance.

Guilt rushes through me. The more I think about it, the more I realize my behaviour must be unbearable for him. Though I know it's the only right thing to do. But his unconditional love towards me, it makes it impossible. How can I expect him giving up on us, if I can't do it myself.

I can't stop thinking about yesterday. 'Would it kill you to try?' he had asked. Those words had carved my heart. His words were closer to reality than he could have imagined. I was dying, being too young to do so.

My conscience is killing me. I just had to tell him everything. Otherwise my conscience wouldn't survive. But above all; I couldn't do this to him. Not if I really care about him. And I most certainly do.

First I thought it was best if he didn't know. But maybe I'm hurting him even more by not telling him? Maybe he'll think I don't love him anymore? And that wasn't the case. Not at all…

Without thinking, I grab my cell phone from the nightstand. Impatiently I listen to the ringback tone which indicates his phone is ringing. I sigh. Voicemail. Right now. At this very moment, the moment I finally want to reveal everything. Boys and their timing. It's always the same thing.

After five minutes, I try again. And there's the voicemail, again. A few minutes later the same thing happens. It drives me crazy. And I know he always takes his phone with him. So he doesn't want to hear me. Honestly, I can't even blame him.   

Half an hour later I try again. He immediately hangs up on me. Tears arise. It's clear. He doesn't want to speak to me. Not now. Maybe never again.

I can only blame myself. I don't deserve his patience. I lie down on my bed, hiding my face in my pillow, tears are running non-stop. Crying hysterically gives me solace, sort of.

The rest of the day my eyes rest on my phone. As if the thing would decide to make a sound, just because I was staring at it. As if the chance for him calling me would increase.

But no matter how hard I'm hoping for him to call me, it doesn't happen. All day, no response.

It's already past nine o'clock. I'm tired. The crying and stressing has exhausted me. I decide to call once more. If he doesn't answer right now, I give up. Then I'll let him go. With heartache. But then I'll have what I wanted to achieve in the first place: him letting me go without knowing the truth. I had been hoping our beautiful memories would dominate and push away our tragic ending. But now I realized that this end overshadows everything else. The irony.

He doesn't answer his phone. Okay. Right. Then I will stay away from him. I try to keep my calm. But realizing I might never see him again, tears me apart. I grab my pillow and slam it against the wall. I'm angry. Furious. Why is he doing this to me? Above all the other stuff that's happening. Yes, I know. I'm the only one to blame for this. He can't help it, he doesn't even know. He can't read my mind.

I never felt as bad as I'm doing right now. I'm angry at the world. The world is against me. Anything. Anyone. I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve all of this shit. I cry, non-stop. I can't hide my feelings; anger, fear and sadness. I've lost everything. I'm drowning in self-pity. Finally I fall asleep. A restless sleep. But it's better than not sleeping at all I guess. He turns up in every dream I have; dreams or nightmares. It's just how you look at it, 'cause not every dream had a nice ending...

// Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets //

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Does anyone like this? :$ Lots of love, Famke