Change || Loki.

18.

Loki looked away as the guards took away Odin. By the time Frigga had also come, rushing to her husband. When Loki sensed her arrival, he turned his gaze to make eye contact with her.

In his eyes she saw the soreness of betrayal. She feared that he had found out the secret they had kept for all these years. "Loki what's the matter?" She asked, her voice shaky when she asked.

Loki didn't answer. He just lost his voice. It felt like his throat was pushing back the words he wanted to scream out. He just shut his eyes in anguish.
He shook his head and instinctively, ran away.

As he ran, everything just seemed so obvious and he only felt like an idiot. He just couldn't think of why he couldn't put it together before. He was always treated differently because Odin and Frigga never loved him. That was always it.

He felt so stupid for always trying to prove himself to be the better son when all this time, he was just a prisoner on Asgard. It shamed him to the bottom of his soul, how hard he always tried yet remained to be Laufey's son.

And that is when it hits him. Sure he had heard it moments before but maybe it hadn't sunk in yet that he was never their son. It wasn't something that happened now. He had always been Laufey's son.

Having lost his bearings, his head started to spin. His heart was racing and the only thought running his head was the fact that his whole life was nothing but a lie. His body was growing weak but he continued to run and run, as far as he could go. His heart was shouting at him to let out all that he has held back for so many years but tears just won't come.

Tears were not enough for what he felt anymore. They were too impassive for what he felt but Loki didn't know any other way to let go the weight he held on his shoulders.
He was frantic and frustrated, he wanted to destroy everything around him but chose to continue running as fast as he could. His legs were burning while begging him to stop but he just didn't want to.

His throat was running dry after starting to breathe through his mouth and his body ached for a relief. The pain was constantly amplifying in his body but it felt a thousand times better than the pain in his heart.

Loki finally stopped, reaching the empty garden. He took a sharp long breath, his lungs almost empty when he did. He clutched his chest as he gasped for air. He felt like he was breathing water. Everything seemed so angering and wrong now. 

He was so desperate, he wanted it out of him; the agony. His body ached longingly. He was thirsty for tears but no matter how hard he tried, tears wouldn't dare to come. It's like he had forgotten.

Loki started to hiccup when he tried to calm down. His tearful eyes were tired when he looked up at his father while he gave him a cold stare. "Listen, boy." He said sternly.

"Crying is a sign of weakness, you cry, you show others that you are frail and vulnerable. Learn to keep back the tears, even when alone."

Loki looked down as Odin grabbed his arms. "Don't be a coward. Do you understand what I say?"

"Yes, father." The 4 year old boy whispered, his body shaking while still in the hands of his father. "I cannot hear you!"

"Yes, father." He said a little louder before Odin let him go.*

Loki had learnt how to stop his tears. But today, he wished he hadn't. This was all Odin's fault. Today, Loki, where he stood, stood unhinged. He was going out of his mind. Everything was different now.

His pain was evolving into the menacing and vicious state of lunacy and he didn't even feel it. He was thinking of all the wrong things.

He didn't feel bad for his brother anymore; not at all. Now he felt like he should've done worse. Way worse. So bad that he would pray for a sweet relief like death. Just like Loki did. He wanted him to hurt like he hurt. He wanted him to be wretched just like he is. He wanted him to suffer.

He wanted Thor to feel the betrayal and loneliness he felt all his life. He wanted him to question himself in insecurity just like Loki did all his life. He wanted him to stay powerless and let his arrogance fade into self doubt. He wanted him to believe he had no family, no friends, no support.

He wanted Thor to be alone and in pain, just like he is.