DECEMBER, 1992, SEATTLE, WA
IF IT WERE not for the fact that she was so intensely aware of her situation, Lindy would have thought that she was finally down-spiraling into a long-awaited insanity.
The last month of her life had been the most upheaving period that she had yet to ever experience, and it had everything to do with the fact that Kurt continued to show up to her apartment every other day.
It was incredibly maddening.
There were too many things that Lindy was feeling, too many emotions to pick through and ponder over. She was torn between her immense guilt over her relationship with Jack and also Kurt's relationship with Courtney, but she also felt rotten for having kept his visits entirely secret from the two people that she trusted most; Trae and Beth.
Something had internally urged her to keep quiet on the matter. She felt that she would be jeopardizing too much if she allowed even just one more soul to know that Kurt had come back into her life with prompt expectations to stick around.
The only real thing that subsided her sickening guilt was Kurt himself. When he did visit, the nights that he spent sitting in Lindy's apartment with her were some of the fondest memories that she had yet to create with him.
There was certainly an odd strain due to their history together, but when Kurt was around, all that was blatantly evident was that he needed someone to talk to whom he trusted with his life. Lindy felt the importance that he associated with her. It was always obvious when they would talk late into the night, Kurt usually venting about the downfalls of his fame and his desire to maintain his underground punk rock teachings.
"You never know what you're signing yourself up for," Kurt had expressed to her one night, exasperated over his label's wish to 'tone down' the intensity of Nirvana's new record.
"Don't we all?" Lindy had said back sympathetically. Kurt had scoffed under his breath.
"You can't tell me that nursing wasn't everything that you expected it to be, Linds."
"It's not actually," Lindy countered. "It's harder than I ever would have imagined. I'm constantly dealing with the hardness of it each day. But . . . it's what I love."
This answer had not soothed Kurt's irritation and Lindy soon came to understand that his troubles with stardom were something deeply personal to him, something that she would not be able to take into her own hands and problem-solve.
On other nights, Kurt constantly maneuvered his way through dozens of questions for Lindy regarding her life and everything that had happened to her since he'd left. He even asked questions that he already knew the answer to and when Lindy reminded him of this, he would smile proudly and tell her that he was making sure he had remembered everything properly.
When Kurt finally had the courage to acknowledge Jack, who had called Lindy not once but several times in the midst of his many visits, it had turned out to be quite awkward.
"Does he love you?" Kurt had asked quietly. The muscle in his jaw had started jumping again.
"Yes," Lindy answered back plainly, unwilling to give Kurt anything but the truth.
He never asked about Jack again.
With Christmas only three days away, Lindy had attempted to rid her mind of all things Kurt and focus on the holidays. She'd gone shopping for gifts hoping that it would relieve her mind of his constant presence, but when she saw a new guitar strap that would have made for a good Christmas present for him, she mentally groaned.
