AS SOON AS Lindy was sure that her front door had clicked tightly back into place, she whipped around and began to enter a full on hyperventilation-mode, complete with wheezing gasps for air that left her doubled over.
She hunched her body downwards with her arm draped around her midsection and did her best to find somewhere in her cloudy mind a lesson on breathing techniques. Nothing seemed to work, because her lungs still felt like they were being compressed by heavy machinery.
"That was that guy!" Kurt exclaimed, sounding intrigued rather than horrified by what had just occurred.
"Yes," Lindy gasped. Forcing air from her wind pipe was still painful under the given circumstances. "He saw you, Kurt. He saw you here with me."
"Yeah, well . . . it's a good thing he did, right? Otherwise he was going to come inside."
Lindy looked up at Kurt slowly, her wild eyes narrowing into a deadly glare. Kurt looked . . . relieved. As if he had dodged the actual trouble when in reality, he had actually landed himself smack-dab into it.
"And what's your point exactly?"
"Well," Kurt said hotly, "if he had come in and decided to hang around we'd even be more shit out of luck!"
"So you think that you appearing out of thin air and giving him the shock of a lifetime was the better option?" Lindy exploded, throwing her hands high above her head and whirling around on the spot. The image of Jack's stunned face was penetrating her mind over and over, a stabbing reminder of what had just happened only seconds ago. Their cover had been blown.
"Why was he here?" Kurt asked innocently, ignoring Lindy's violent rage. She could tell that he was hedging on saying what he was actually feeling -- jealousy. She may have been blind to other things, but Kurt's sensitivity was not one of them.
"Oh don't start," she spat. "You know we're broken up. And even if we weren't, you're one to talk considering you have a wife."
Kurt flushed red and lowered his head in shame. It was just as Lindy had guessed. He was still easily susceptible to the jealous streak that had flared up on more than one occasion. Knowing that another man could simply waltz up to Lindy's doorstep in the night irritated him, even though he knew that Lindy was right. He didn't have a right to be mad when Courtney was lounging in her lingerie back at his house.
"I didn't want him to come in," Kurt mumbled. "I didn't want to sit in that bedroom and listen to whatever stupid attempt he was going to make to flirt with you."
Lindy's nostrils flared, but she said nothing, choosing instead to fold her arms and look skyward.
"It wasn't only that," Kurt continued defensively. "I freaked the fuck out, okay? I wanted him to leave as soon as you opened the door. What if he saw me sitting in your bedroom in the dark like a god damn poltergeist?"
"That wouldn't have happened!" Lindy yelled. "If you had just let me handle it like I said I would, we would be fine! Now someone else knows about us Kurt! Don't you understand? No one can know!"
"Trae knows," Kurt insisted. "And Krist and Shelli. And Allie too, I almost forgot. Oh, and Freddie."
He gestured to the cat perched on the arm of Lindy's sofa, watching them both with the keenness of an old woman watching soap operas.
"Don't be cute," Lindy sneered. She could feel the heat rising within her, her dread consuming her like a firestorm. She trusted Jack, but she could not guess what he'd do with this newly founded piece of information about her. If he resented her for their breakup, that resentment must have been intensified by a thousand once he'd seen Kurt standing in her apartment.
If Jack decided to take revenge out on her and leak what he'd seen to an awaiting media outlet, she and Kurt would be over.
"Lindy, it's going to be fine," Kurt said. "Don't worry. That guy isn't going to do shit."
"How do you know?"
"You should be the one to know, shouldn't you? You dated him for almost a year!"
Lindy lowered herself into the couch, dipping her face into her hands as she pictured herself passing by Jack in the hallway the next day at work.
He must have been so confused. None of it would have made sense to him. She felt awful knowing that he was going back to his house without a single clue as to why she was housing Kurt Cobain in her apartment. She wondered what conclusions he would draw for himself.
"I'm sorry," Kurt said earnestly. He knelt down next to Lindy, prying her hands away from her face and taking them in his own.
"I shouldn't have done that Lindy, okay? I really am sorry. But I don't think he's going to say anything, baby. He doesn't look the type, and trust me, I'd tell you if he was worried."
"You can't be sure," Lindy whispered. She brushed at her eyes, searching for tears. She found nothing. It seemed that her eyes were growing steadily tired of producing them over the weeks that had passed.
"How can you act so unconcerned?" she asked. "This is your life, too. What about Courtney and Frances? What about the press? You told me how they hound you, Kurt. They would eat this up. If this gets out, we can't see each other anymore. Don't you get that? Our relationship will be over."
"If the world found out about us and actually ended up giving a damn, I'd make a public declaration of my love for you, Lindy. I'm not going to let something like that stop us from being together."
"It stops us now. Why do you think we're going through this in the first place?"
Lindy stood up and walked into the kitchen. Kurt's mood swings were overwhelming her. One minute he was telling her how frightened he was by the frequent invasion of privacy on his life, and the next he didn't seem to mind at all that his reputation was currently at stake. It irritated her that between the two of them, she was the only one who cared about what they would face if their secret escaped.
She wanted to call Jack and explain herself, but there was no way she could do it with Kurt there. It would have to be a private conversation. She owed Jack that much.
"Do you want me to leave?" Kurt asked. There was pain his voice as he came up behind her. He would have done whatever she asked, but the thought of walking away from her now killed him on the inside.
"No," Lindy said thickly, pulling her fingers back inside the long sleeved cardigan that she donned. While she needed to call Jack, she also knew that she couldn't send Kurt away without wounding him. She'd just have to wait until morning to speak with Jack and hope that Kurt was right — he wouldn't reveal what he had seen that night to anyone else.
