IT TOOK NO time at all for Kurt's missing persons report to make headlines on the evening news.
Lindy wouldn't have known about it, seeing as she had no energy to even turn on the television, if it weren't for Trae's frantic call to her that night once she returned back to her apartment from Krist's, exhausted and weak on her feet.
"What the fuck is going on?" Trae cried over the phone, sounding as panicked as Lindy had upon first discovering that Kurt had disappeared.
Lindy dragged her fingers across her scalp, pushing back brown hair away from her sleepily bobbing eyes. She had done so much crying that day that they were nearly swollen shut, crusted with dry tears and darkened red. Shelli and Krist had made her dinner, hoping that she would stay around in case any new information sprung up, but Lindy had left when she told them that she had work the next morning. She would have to try to get some sleep.
"I didn't want to tell you. I knew that you'd worry."
"Of course I'm going to worry! Kurt is fucking missing?! And they said on the news that he's armed with a gun?"
"Yes, can we please not talk about it?" Lindy said, pinching the bridge of her nose in hopes that this would stop another flood of tears from escaping her eyes. She hated even seeing it in her head, Kurt carrying around a gun and raising it to his head . . .
"Lindy, this is fucked up. This is crazy. Are you okay? Do you need me to come to Seattle tonight?"
"No," Lindy said quickly. "Please don't come. Stay in Aberdeen with Hannah and Allie. Please."
The last thing she wanted was Trae to enter the fray of chaos that had been ignited in the city of Seattle, where Kurt Cobain had now been announced missing to the public. For once, she did not want her brother's shoulder to lean on. This was something that she had to deal with on her own. It was probably the most painful thing that she had yet to go through besides the death of her mother and father, but this was something of a different nature.
This was a situation that required Lindy to rely on herself to get through it. There would be no time to turn to anyone else when no matter what, she would still be suffering on the inside.
"Lindy, I'm so sorry. I'm so scared for you. For him. I'm so sorry," Trae rambled. He was close to falling apart, his empathy for Lindy and his fear for Kurt meeting in the middle like a perfect storm. His little sister and one of his oldest friend, both of them swirling in that storm without any chance of rescue. It was devastating for Trae. He had always been there to help in the past, and now he couldn't do anything to change the course of either of their fate.
"Don't be. It's going to be fine," Lindy said flatly. She didn't believe what she was saying, but she would have to pretend for him.
"But he has a gun," Trae murmured. Of course, this was the cherry on top, the icing on the cake that had everyone, including Lindy, convinced that Kurt's life was about to end by his own hands.
"Well, let's just hope he's not stupid enough to pull the trigger, okay?"
"I can't believe you want me to sit here while you're there dealing with all of this by yourself. You're pregnant and going through hell alone, Lindy. This isn't fair."
"Life's not fair," Lindy shot back. "Don't you think I know that by now?"
"I'm your brother. I need to be there."
"Look, Trae, I don't need anyone treating this like it's the end of the world. I just want to hold on to the hope that we find him or he comes back on his own, okay? Everyone losing their shit on me isn't helping."
"So what, you're just going to sit there and wait for him to come knocking at the door?"
"No. I'm going to go to bed and wake up and go to work and try my best to function like a normal human being until I can see Kurt again. I've already done my part to get him home. I talked to Courtney Love on the phone today."
"What?" Trae yelled. There was a shuffling noise on the end of the line, and Lindy guessed that he had almost dropped the phone.
"Yeah. She hates me, of course, but we've got someone coming to monitor my apartment in case he comes over here and I don't know about it. We're doing everything that we can."
"Fuck, if you're talking to Courtney, then I know this must be bad."
Lindy made a noise of protest. "Can you please stop? Please? I'm already freaked out enough as it is."
"I'm sorry. I can't believe this is happening, though. I can feel what it's doing to you, even though we're two hours apart."
"Must be a brother and sister thing," Lindy said, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Her bed was calling to her. The nightmares may have posed as a threat that had kept her wide awake for the past twenty-four hours, but now anything would be better than facing reality.
"Will you at least call me tomorrow to check in?"
"Of course. Love you Trae."
"Love you too Linds. Take care of yourself. It will . . . it will be alright."
There was something incredibly painful about hearing Trae lie to her, even if it was a sorry attempt on his behalf to make her feel okay before she went to bed. She said goodbye, hanging up the phone and almost wishing that she had never answered it. It was easier to suffer alone.
The phone rang several more times that night. Lindy knew without having to check or listen to her voicemails that those calls had come from Jack and Beth, two people who of course would have been naturally worried for her if they had caught wind of the news.
But Lindy couldn't talk. She couldn't find the strength to get up and repeat the painful recount of another day without Kurt, another day of not knowing whether or not she would ever see him alive again.
Instead she let the phone ring as she crawled into bed, burrowing under the sheets with her face in the pillow as sleep swept her away, stamping out the brutal stabbing pain in her heart.
