Mateless. (katsudeku♡)

Chapter 28

I Will Always Love You

And That Will Kill Me.

*

Katsuki Bakugou's POV

Soon the pain will subside,

the tears will dry.

We will find new people in our lives,

but that never occupy the gap.

The emptiness shaped exactly like the ones we have lost,

a hole that can never seem to be filled.

________________________

The funny part about life is the fact that we spend a majority of our lives chasing something we know nothing about. We are given this idea of love and soul mates and that's about it, but that seems to be all we need. No one tells you what it is or how it feels. We are only told that it is something that is necessary to live. Love is given no definition or context but it turns into something that swallows us whole. We become desperate for it. We let the words, 'I love you' slip off our tongues as if it were easy, but is it? How can you say something like that when you aren't even sure that what you're feeling is actually love? 

Aren't we just lying to the other person, or even worse, just lying to ourselves?

Is this what love felt like? The feeling that swelled in the depths of my chest that was clawing its way out of my throat, trying to find an escape route. Did it really feel like you were letting your entire world fall apart just because you want nothing more than to feel the soft graze of their fingertips against your skin? Did it really feel like your heart was being ripped out of your chest but being okay with it because you know that your person would be there to kiss your wounds into scars? Did love really feel like giving up everything you want just so they could be happy, even if it meant giving them up as well?

Was this feeling love?

Moreover, was what I gave him love?

I gave Deku pain in his chest and yet he still convinced himself that the ache was love. That this was okay. That this is what he deserved because that is what I gave him. And I guess that's what tore at my heart the most, the fact that he was perfectly fine with being loved by someone that has hurt him countless times over something so stupid as image. 

The past few weeks that he has been back at school made everything feel so complete, yet so unsettling. I know I told myself that I would go and win him back but all the guilt from hurting him kept me back. Also, wouldn't it be selfish of me to pull him away from the one that gave him everything he wanted? 

But I would do it today. I promised myself that no matter what it would take, I would at least exchange three words with him. Start off slow, Katsuki. You can do it, you know you can! You've won countless things without hesitation. Why is talking to this nerd any harder than that?

The last bell of the school day rang and I packed my belongings into my backpack. I turned around to talk to him without realizing that he was already halfway out the door. Deku almost seemed as if he was trying to escape, but when I come to think of it, he probably was. I never really saw him at the end of the day. He was always gone before I realized it. I would not let him slip through my fingers. Not today.