Mateless. (katsudeku♡)

Chapter 32

Katsuki's Guide

To Moving On.

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Katsuki Bakugou's POV

Childhood love is tan bark scraped knees and early bedtimes where we wrap ourselves in blankets, not realizing that our feet are still out. We never notice the cold because the laughter is warm. It is pure and innocent because the world can't hurt us unless we hurt ourselves first. Perhaps, my toys knew I loved you before I did. (I told them everything.)

Teenage love is hushed voices as we stay up late and listen to old love songs claiming them to be ours. It is the phone calls before we go to sleep so we can make sure that we meet each other in our dreams. It is passionate but messy. We love wholeheartedly and break the same way. I still call, wondering if you will ever pick up.

I don't know a thing about adult or old love, I haven't gotten there yet. All I know is that I want to share it with you but I don't think that it is something I will ever get to experience.

My love for you is the broken record of 'our song' with the last few lyrics repeating itself over and over again. I ask my toys if they still remember you. I think they have forgotten that I loved you before I will ever stop.

(tw: panic attacks, please read with caution)

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"It's good to have you back, Bakubro," Kirishima wraps his arm around my shoulder, "It's been too quiet."

"Fuck off," I scowl, but I don't make an attempt to move his arm. Mina, Kirishima, Kaminari, and Sero laugh.

Lately, hanging out with them again made everything feel less heavy. They were stupid and they have done stupid things but I missed them. My group and I were sitting in the common room of the dorms. The room filled with chatter as always but now I was involved, kind of at least. I missed everything if I was honest, it's nice to know that I can feel content once in a while. That I can take my mind off of things even if it's just only for a minute. I also like to think that I've been okay and that I've been doing so much better but I think we all know I'm lying. I had spent so many days stuck in my room and in my own thoughts. To take a break every once in a while was better than letting myself drown on purpose. 

Everything was falling back into place, slowly but surely. Maybe even a little better this time. Definitely better this time.

A month had passed since Deku and I patched things up. I will admit, it has been hard to think about how his heart now belongs to someone else but I have been mostly okay. By okay, I mean that I have been living to the best extent that I can. Some days are worse than others. I still spend nights crying myself awake, waking up from dreams that seem just too real. Sometimes, I can still see the outline of his smile whenever I close my eyes. If I could, I would have his silhouette tattooed on the insides of my eyelids so that I could remind myself that despite his permanence, he is too beautiful to be touched by someone like me. Other nights, I find myself sleeping peacefully and waking up as if there wasn't a single bad thing in the world. I wake up and brush my teeth and breathe like I had never known any pain. It may not be perfect, but it is better. I am trying to make it better. The change was small but I started to come to class regularly again, spoke when spoken to, and once in a while went out with the class. I am trying very hard and for now, that might be all I can do. I understand that this is okay, it is a part of healing. The storm will some day create something beautiful out of the debris that it had left behind.