ecstasy // willne x imallexx au

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alex - 1st february 2017

this was it. the day i turned 18. the day i moved in with will. it should have been one of the most exciting, happy days of my life. but right now, it was 6:27, i'd been awake since 4:01, and i felt like shit.

my fucking brain. i hated it. so much. i want to be happy. why won't you let me be fucking happy? isn't that a basic human right?

apparently not.

i'd swallowed a couple of pills, not that they made any difference. i was bi. in multiple senses of the word.

it was always the same. hit a low, a deep low. hit a high, an overarchingly high high, an overload of happiness and creativity and energy all in one. then low again. so fucking low. i was insane.

today i was middling. i could drag myself out of bed at 10:06, and smile when my parents and sister wished me a happy birthday. i could act surprised when they gave me more ps4 games to play with will in the new flat, and the hug i gave elody before she left to see her boyfriend (a term used loosely, since she was in year 9), saying i'd see her soon and she could come over or call whenever she liked, was genuine.

what i couldn't do was shake the fact that not all of me was there, not as with it as i wanted to be. i sometimes felt too good at hiding things, when i really wanted to. it's not like my parents didn't know about my mental state, but i hated seeing them worried, and i didn't have the energy to have them question me.

i gathered up my last few things, the more personal things i was taking to the flat with me since most of my stuff was already there. my dad gave me a hug - "i'm proud of you son."

you really — "thanks, dad." — shouldn't be.

my mum drew me in close to her, talking sentimental shit about me being so grown up. i allowed it though, not bothered to protest. "i love you, alex," she said, tears welling in her eyes.

"mm," i replied. i was very selective about who i said those words to. it's not that i didn't love my parents, but it felt strange saying it to them.

i waved goodbye to them as i made my way down the road, the door not slamming shut until i turned the corner. that was it. 18 years of my life gone. it felt fresh to be outside though. it lifted my mood slightly.

-

"ayy, here 'e is!" will said, opening the door for me and pulling me in for a hug. i smiled at him and saw josh, george and stephen there as well. i also saw will's girlfriend clara, who i got along and had decent conversations with. that was when i didn't know about it all.

"happy birthday mate," will said.

"thanks, feels so weird to finally be 18."

we all went through to the living room and sat around on the sofas and chairs, will draping his arm around clara, who was beaming.

the day was great, we essentially just played a load of ps4, got pretty wasted and generally joked about. george and joshy ran youtube channels, and invited to me to make a video with them in the flat they shared upstairs. i wasn't sure how much i actually brought to their videos, but they laughed when i cracked jokes and we had a good time.

will seemed really happy to have me there, and i got chatting to clara who came across as really nice.

"so, how did you meet will?"

"we met on a photoshoot for urban outfitters," she said. "then we kept seeming to be invited to do projects together, and it escalated from there."

"do you live nearby?"

"i live in west london, i come here a few times a week or will will come to mine if he's not to busy with uni work."

we chatted some more, until will came and sat down next to her after talking with stephen for a while, and they started kissing each other's faces off.

by the end of the day, my internal mood was lifted slightly. i was excited that i was now living here, and finally i could do what i wanted.

after everyone left, i was making myself a snack in the kitchen when will came in.

"so," he said. "how's your 18th been?"

i turned and smiled. "everyone's great. thanks for today."

"maybe we could hit up a few clubs tomorrow? find you a woman maybe?" he winked.

"heh, yeah, that sounds cool."

"mad. night mate."

"night."

i ate my toast in silence, and hoped that my mood would go up for tomorrow.