ecstasy // willne x imallexx au

xxxi

alex - 5th july 2018

i woke up in a cold sweat, bedsheets clinging to my body. my breathing was quicker than normal, airways slightly constricted as though someone was slowly squeezing my throat. my nails dug into my palms as i clenched my hands into fists and tried to focus on calming down.

i'd got better at it lately. will had helped me to practice deep breathing and controlling my body, rather than becoming absent and letting it control me. that was the important bit. control yourself.

the process was a slow and painful one. it took all the strength i had within me, and my half-asleep state made it more laborious. i wondered if i'd been having a nightmare. if i had, thank fuck i didn't remember it.

it took me a few minutes to feel relatively alright once more. i trembled slightly, and my mind had only just returned to being conscious of its surroundings again. i was at home. i was in bed with will. the clock read 03:51. i was okay.

i noticed will's hand rested upon my knee underneath the covers, but he was definitely asleep. i recognised his heavy breathing which had lulled me back to sleep on the hundreds of occasions i'd woken up in the middle of the night.

it wasn't calming me today though. my mind was racing suddenly, thoughts whirring and buzzing around in my brain. anxiety rose too. a knot in the pit of my stomach which i tried to ignore.

i needed a fag.

i slithered out from under the duvet, pulled on the first clothes which i could find scattered around on the floor near my side of the bed and located a cigarette packet in the bedside table drawer. i crept out of the room, not wanting to disturb will and into the living room, where i opened the doors to the balcony.

a warm summer nights breeze brushed over my skin as i lit up and took a leisurely drag from the blem. the smoke rushed in and i was soothed, allowing the nicotine to consume me.

the city was calm compared to the rush of daytime. it was almost silent, unlike the contradicting voices in my head. they screamed high enough to shatter glass, loud enough to shake the earth.

i don't know how many cigs i smoked, but i was out there for a while. the sun started to rise. i knew i should probably take my medication.

and then will came out.

he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. "morning baby."

"morning. what time is it?"

"only 5:45 but you weren't in bed so i came to find you. are you okay?"

i nodded.

"ready for later?"

n-"yeah."-o.

"if you feel like you don't want to go we don't have to. it will be alright though, i'm sure of it." he pecked me behind my ear.

and i really wanted to believe him. i didn't hate my parents: i'd tricked myself into thinking that i did. before the day i came out they'd never laid a finger on me before. they'd always been supportive. they'd always loved will when we were kids.

i didn't think they really hated me. i'd just been so ready to let go of them if they said anything that could change how much i really did love them. i didn't want them to ruin the image i had of them. i'd never even told them i loved them.