ecstasy // willne x imallexx au

xlvii

will - 1st february 2019

his soft hand gripped mine, tight like a noose. sticky with sweat, but still soft. his breathing was short, sharp, shallow; bursts of air puncturing his lungs.

"you're ok," i whispered. his rigid body lay flat as if in a state of paralysis. in the darkness, i faintly saw the outlines of his nose, cheek, chin. nothing telling. no emotion.

i wondered what he'd been dreaming of. it's something i thought of a lot, which i wasn't sure he was aware of. his dreams (not nightmares, he insisted) were a subject he wouldn't speak of. constantly, the thoughts toyed in my head back and forth about what the hell could be causing him to wake up completely incapacitated. in some ways it felt a bit cruel, like i desperately wanted to be inside his head. maybe i did. that sounded disgusting.

but oh, to know everything he was thinking. i was convinced that there would be no greater scientific discovery than the depths of alex's mind. the bits which maybe even he couldn't access. unexplainable things were hidden in that brain of his. ingenious things.

for now, i would have to make do with the more blunt elements of his expression.

"alex?"

his hand was still locked to mine with an unbreakable force.

"try to relax, love. i'm right here." i slid my free arm across his stomach, feeling his warm skin against mine. tiny goosebumps speckled his skin. "breathe."

i pictured the images of his dreams projected onto our wall, a reel of indistinguishable film which needed deciphering. a glitchy roll, or a defected frame. were those proper videography terms? i don't know. alex would know.

my alarm went off at seven thirty, a gut-wrenchingly early time. alex didn't stir — he'd fallen back to sleep at some time around five and hadn't moved since. i hit snooze, but knew i would have to drag myself out of bed soon. i'd been doing a morning workout every day for the past month to get myself into better shape. not really my decision — more like my agents — but i'll admit it made me more motivated for the rest of the day.

i lightly kissed alex on the temple before hauling my body out of the bed and changing into shorts and a t-shirt. i left my usual note on the kitchen table in case alex woke up before i returned. 'gone for a run. today you look: ravishing x.' i had a whole list of adjectives i was waiting to use.

in actuality, today i was only going on a short run to the florists, sainsbury's and back. i had some disgustingly cliché birthday paraphernalia to pick up for alex before giving him (or rather taking him on) the real surprise.

the weather was almost nice for february: icy cold so that it felt like the wind bit at your skin like tiny knives, but sunny, and there were few clouds to be seen. i took a photo of the pastel orange and yellow sunrise for alex, the shard and other nearby landmarks spiking up into the sky.

as i ran, the wind seemed to blow away the clouds in my head. i kind of wished alex was there with me. i ran faster and faster, and realised that i felt like i never wanted to stop. maybe i would just run to the edge of the world.

after about half an hour, i decided i definitely wasn't fit enough to run to the edge of the world. i began to head home in a large loop, stopping by the supermarket and florists on the way. my mind wandered back to alex's dream (nightmare).